Teach Me

Teach me to run with the wind

Teach me to smile again

Teach me to follow my heart

Teach me to cry every time I fall apart.

Teach me to love with my entire soul

Teach me to bend so that I can be whole

Teach me to sing when another soul sees

Teach me to be grateful as I buckle my knees

Teach me to reach out to those in need

Teach me always to plant a seed

Teach me to lead with purity

Teach me to be humble in my security

Teach me to follow You all over the Earth

Lead me in silence and love, a light heart of mirth

Teach me to love with every ounce of my soul.

Teach me to help them, let us all become whole.

Memories and Dreams

I like watermelon with seeds.  It makes me slow down and enjoy it as I remove each seed.
I like Dead Can Dance because they draw from so many different cultures and styles and even having both the masculine and feminine voice brings such unity from so many different sources.
I am very drawn to spiral staircases and movement in things that stand still.  Lines you can follow with your eyes.
I love dancing and would some day like to wear a long flowing skirt and jewelry and dance my heart away to music with love, culture and life inside of it.
I love the smell of rich dirt, mud or soil.  I made mud castles when I was little.  When I am planting a flower I want to lay in the dirt and hug it like a cat does.
I miss my unique connections with animals and my heart gets a lump when I see one that has died in the road.  When I was little I would burst into tears every time something died on a Marty Stouffer show which I had to watch everyday anyway because I loved animals so much.
One of my favorite movies was Emerald Forest.  The soundtrack is amazing!

A Certain People Resonate

I put my hand to my head.  My hair has grown out enough now that I can somewhat grip it between my fingers.  After not having hair for a little over a month and a half I think, Wow I have a lot of hair.  

And I realize that this is reflected only because I took all my hair away.  I wouldn't know this or feel this way if I'd never shaved my head.  There was some pain involved with this as well.  This shifting.

But as with all things, its always changing and always growing and the pain never lasts too long.  Its a temporary inconvenience that our hearts can handle if put in a the context that it is.

Its all only for a moment in time we experience any one emotion or feeling or reality.

The vast depths of time can erase such a small thing as not having hair for awhile.

Taking things away from myself I can realize what I do have and in what kind of abundance it is present in my life.  

Loss is a reminder of what I do have.  It also is a symbol of what is real and what is not.  For all things that are false will eventually fall away from me so that I may have what is true for me.  

I never knew what tiny act of shaving my head could teach me so many valuable life lessons.  In a sense, a loss of hair gains a crown of glory.  A knowledge not otherwise known.

Simple

My mind is moving around in itself.  Its checking on each of the little nests currently borning a new life for me.  Its cultivating its new discoveries like small eggs ready to hatch.  New ideas waiting to be acted upon.  Sitting, warming, checking.  And I love how I can draw from the fact that its spring time.  I watch the mother duck with her new little babies as she cares for them, feeds them, wards off danger.  I am like that right now inside.

Lately I haven't had a ton of money like I've been used to for so many years.  I got a decent last check but am having to stretch that one check for longer than I originally planned.  So the stretching got a little tighter.  At first I was really freaked out.  I don't want to be late with my bills.  I especially don't want to be late with my rent because my landlord has always been so very cool about the money.  Even though it is only two more weeks to go, it is still turning all my bills into becoming late.  I went from living easy to watching every dime.  I am still not really great at it.  Wouldn't it take me some time to remember how to live simple with my money?  To remember that I like certain things in my house it doesn't mean I am going to die without them.   Today I considered how much do I need paper towels?  Aren't they a waste in the environment anyway?  If I just skipped buying those, what could I use instead?

We've already stopped buying bottled drinks.  Instead we switched to pitchers of lightly sweetened tea, coffee which we never buy out anymore and the big splurg is a water filter.  And I miss the convenience of buying drinks and even the fun of it, but its not that bad living without them.  Its almost a relief in some strange unexplainable way.  Less clutter, less spending, less driving, less addiction.  I can't really explain it any better than that.  Its just more simple.

Also instead of buying salad in a bag or container we've switched to bulk.  I have to actually wash and cut the lettuce myself.  Instead of buying bagged carrots, I peel and cut.   I feel kind of sad and pathetic that I ever bought salad or carrots pre-washed and cut.  I know so many people do it and its no big thing but for some reason its always made me feel lazy.  We never did that when I was little which is probably part of it.  The reasoning was always why pay more for something you can do yourself at home?  So the reason why I DID end up buying that stuff is it was more convenient.  When you are working full time and raising a kid sometimes convenience does have to win out.  Especially in this society where we are all being pressed for time more and more.  Also, if I bought bulk it was more than I wanted to eat and so a lot of it would spoil and get thrown out and wasted anyway.  Now that I am not working I don't have that excuse anymore.  And I am glad I can go back to what I am more used to.  I bought a double head of Romaine lettuce for $2.00 and it lasted us a good week or two.  I am not sure exactly because not having a job is making it hard for me to remember things like that.  I don't mind.  

So I look in my cabinets tonight.  I am not the most resourceful cook but its not like I have to make a seven course meal or anything.  I don't have much left to eat is the thing.  My cabinets and fridge don't look all cluttered up.  I always thought a bare cabinet was bad but I look in mine and it just reminds me of the beauty of simplicity.  I look at my cabinets and see how much I am embracing this.  My heart is excited!  I have plenty to eat.  I have enough.  I don't need to stuff my cabinets and fridge full to feel safe or happy or even full!  I don't have to pack my closet or my drawers or any part of my house to feel good or alive or wealthy.  I am learning not to need "things".  I am learning I don't need to store up.  That no matter what, I will make it.  I will get by somehow.  

Tonight I ate a canned version of a three bean salad with spices and a little onion.  I didn't have to eat that.  I could've made something else as its not that bad.  But I just like the feel of that being it.  I'm not stuffing my body with tons of unnecessary food.  I never thought it would feel like this.  I'd had many times imagined what it would feel like to be simple.  I think a lot of people so stressed out with regular society wonder what it is like.  To just have an "easy" life.  Not easy maybe but simple which is easier than a 'too busy' life.  

I hope I can make this work.  If I linger my thoughts a little too long in my future I become panicked and scared.  For they too need to be simple to get me through this.  One day at a time and only for today because the future is so obscure right now.  I have no idea what will come for me in August.  I have no idea how things will go.  I have no idea if I can really pull this off.  Its a test.  I want to.  I am excited to.  I need to make this happen.  Now that I've got a taste of living this way I'm not sure if I could go back to the way I was before.  That thought makes me sick.  I am loving this so much.  

Learning to live like this is like snuggling up in a soft cozy blanket on a cool day under a tree smelling the earth smelling the trees, smelling the breeze.

It does wonders for my soul.  A less full cabinet makes me feel all that.  And its so funny to me that here I am 32 wishing for a lifestyle more common with 21 year old college students.  Moving around on foot or bike and really getting into life instead of letting it all whiz by in a car.  Learning to connect again with others that aren't glued to tvs or half sauced with alcohol or too busy working a corporate job.  People that balance life out and connect on a deeper level.  Working on things together.  Encouraging each other.  Inspiring each other.   That didn't happen as much in corporate where the mottos are "Its a dog eat dog world" and "Every man for himself".  

I never got that college experience.  I always wanted it.  I started to disconnect in high school and went from A to C.  And I guess now I am going to circle back to pick up B.  It works for me.  I am ready.

Opinions

"We cling to our own point of view,

as though everything depended upon it.

Yet our opinions have no permanence; like 

autumn and winter, they gradually pass away."

-Chuang Tzu

Just recently I have been reading and getting a lot of wisdom about not seeing things as right or wrong.  Our judgements often getting in the way of other people's paths and even more so, our own.  Every time we pass a judgement on others or ourselves we are saying what is- should not be.  We get in the way of ourselves and others and God when we say something isn't "normal" or that something isn't "right" or even that we made a wrong decision.  

Even watching the pain my mom or brother or a stranger goes through and I have to sit back idly and helpless as the pain slowly carves them down.  Wears down their ego or pride or whatever lesson it is they are learning.  Taking them as far down as they need to go to get rid of that infection for good.

One of the strangest things I have ever heard was that we shouldn't even pray for each other.  To me this was shocking to hear.  Why wouldn't we pray for one another?  Why wouldn't we want to help each other?  But then he said how do we know what is going on in that person's life?  Even worse their spiritual journey!  How do we know even our best intentions are what that person needs or wants?  How do we really know?  I think of this in comparison to my mom telling me she was praying for my soul so I won't end up in hell and that she is sorry I have back slidden.  I told her I've never been closer to God in my life (just not in her way)!  But with her beliefs, how can she truly pray for me if she doesn't know my truth?  I guess these prayers would just not be effective.  Its just such an interesting thing to ponder isn't it?  I fill it with "what ifs" as I roll it around on my brain.  If someone had prayed to take away all of my pain I'm not sure I'd want them to.  At some point in my life as I continue to strive harder than I ever have before I know that every pit in my heart that was caused by pain will eventually be filled with a love it can't contain.  Even artists convey the beauty of negative space. 

I don't know who I am to have carried on as I have with pain.  I don't know why I didn't get a hard heart while others did.  I don't know why I choose to seek and others don't.  I'm not really sure of any identity issues like that, but I am glad for who I am.

I am glad I can still love and look forward to that day that the deepest darkest spots in my heart will be over flowing with love for the people that "created" them in me.  I will be thanking every person that ever hurt me because they made me grow and become stronger.  They had to sacrifice some of their own well being to create a negative space so that I could have a positive lesson.

Just like in an artist's creation, negative space has its place too and ends up creating a beautiful masterpiece at the end.  Pain is necessary for growth.  There are few people that can empathize with others if they haven't gone through the same situation.  So even in our pain we also have the ability to use our pain to support others going through similar situations.  And what is "right" for me and the group of people I am suppose to reach and be reached by may not be "right" for the group you're supposed to touch and be touched by.  

And I think as we change and evolve through life so will the people that we help.  I hope I will be able to have a family of people that will surrogate for my own.  At least for now.  I hope I will have friends that will help me continue moving forward.  Help me with my daughter.   Its been tough raising her.  I hope I've been strong enough for her since I am flying by the seat of my pants.  I guess we all are.

This also makes me realize why it is so important to be myself.  For so long I've reached out to do what others want.  Please what others need.  I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  I thought that would win me friends.  It didn't.  It was a big "no" from God because I wasn't being me.  I wasn't loving me.  I was trying to reach into another group of people that I didn't belong to.  I was leaving myself and others I am here to help, in the dark.  I have to be me through and through so that will reflect out to others and they can recognize me and be drawn in.  Then we can work together.  If I don't put up the right sign, those I connect with will keep going by me and not see.   So all the friends and family I had in my life before 4 years ago weren't meant to come with me.  They were what is pushing me towards all of you in my future.  

So I guess that is why opinions fade and change as we grow.  They seem to be the epitome of slowing us down.  If we stop to form too many opinions and judgements we get tangled up in a web of logic that isn't even valid after time has its way with it. 

Grief and Grieving

Click the title of this blog and it will take you to the article and website which I recommend for a lot of valuable information and tools.  I wanted to include this website because it is what inspired me to write my previous blog.  I have encountered a heightened amount of loss in the past four years.  I think I might well qualify here as grieving and most likely, improperly.  I think a lot of people are like me.  Grieving still and not understanding or even knowing it needs to change.  It can change.  I think anything we change constitutes also as a loss.  Something old going out, something new coming in.

In the past four years I've lost:

- Old religious beliefs and most of my old beliefs

- My relationship with my family

- 3 places of residence

- a significant relationship

- my sweet canary

- two gerbils

- one of two dogs

- my three cats

- my best friends

- new friends

- my job

- my credit

- my hair in a few different ways

- went through severe family conflict

- the greatest automobile ever built - my Jeep

- lost support, camraderie, fellowship, being connected, close friendships

- lost the feeling of safety within myself

- lost the feeling of belonging anywhere

I'm sure there is so much more.  All this time I was grieving with self pity not understanding why it even mattered.  Holding so tight.  But not without noticing as these things have passed away so new things have come.

According to the Law of Vacancy, once you get rid of something you don't want, something else has to take its place eventually.  This summer is a pause.  All that remains will break completely away.  By fall many new things will be coming.  I'm trying to keep my faith and hope in that.  

This summer keeps me in the analogy of a music symbol.  The rest sign.  I have to fully play it because I can't keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future or I will miss all the silence and shifting that is still very much a part of the whole song.  I have to just rest and listen now.

Search For Self

Something strange for me as a child, teenager and adult is I seem to forget to hug.  This is ironic to me since both my Reiki teacher and psychic told me I have a lot of green/pink energy in my aura which is from the heart chakra; love.  

I believe that as soon as we're born we start adopting all the beliefs and tendencies of our parents or caregivers.  We become like the environment we're in.  My mom and I had discussed this subject once laughing at why I was never too huggie.  She said I was with constant affection as a child.  I am the baby of the family and was spoiled rotten, she said.  She said she hugged me all the time.  At 2 years old she said I was patting my brother on the back telling him not to cry about his lost shoe.  So I don't believe I was not given enough affection or taught not to show it.  But somewhere a long the lines I failed this common, (extr)ordinary human gesture.  

When my sister moved out of the house as a newlywed my mom went nuts.  My sister was the exact opposite and was always begging my mom for a hug.  I was in the 6th grade and my mom started coming to me all the time for hugs.  She said she missed my sister and how come I never wanted to hug her.  What was worse was the fact that she pointed out I never really got into the hug.  She said I sorta hugged her from afar.   I was a distance hugger.   And after hearing that, I was a distance hugger with a complex.   

I have contemplated that perhaps its my acute sensitivity to everything in my environment including other people's energy.  My daughter and I walked by bus stop the other day full of waiting shady characters which I didn't even look at.  As we passed each one of them you could feel the different energy change from each person.  I told her it was like walking through a dark rainbow.  

This makes sense because some people I will hug more willingly than others all depending on their energy output.  Its hard to know also because other people do not like to be touched and I am extremely sensitive to this as well.  It really bothers me if I do something like that and they weren't inviting it.   I also am sensitive to people touching me because my skin is super sensitive.  My on going war with clothing as a child should have been a huge indicator to my mom but she just thought I was just being a pain.  I used to fight my clothes agonizingly as a child and the seam on the toe of socks was the worst.  I can't count how many times this was a problem.  So many mornings my mom would be so distraught over something she could never seem to fix.  I feel bad my parents had no idea I was just sensitive.

 This is also connected to being empathic.  Feeling your feelings.  When my grandpa died last March(08) though I hardly knew him I cried for everybody else.  The grief my father felt gave me a panic attack as I drove home that day from work.  

I heard once that to an empathic when a leaf hits the ground their whole world shakes.  It was really nice to finally  hear a description of how I'd been feeling for so long.  Somebody in this world understood just how sensitive I am an I didn't have to feel bad or ashamed anymore.  I didn't have to feel like I was being so over dramatic about life.

After so many years of denying myself and trying to pretend to be something I am not, sometimes it is hard to love me.  My journey requires self love as everybody's does.  But its so hard sometimes to even remember I need affection.  I've been so busy protecting myself with armor and swords.  Trying to reach out for affection and human touch sometimes makes me feel like an albino in the sun.  Exposed and vulnerable.  But also real and genuine.  

I remember all the stories of premature babies in the hospitals.  Sometimes just being held every chance they could is what saved their lives.  Human touch is so powerful.

And do I shy from this?  Being translucent, is it also too much the other way?  Being so sensitive, can a wrong mix of energy be the awkwardness?  Did it hurt to hug?  Did I put a wall of energy there causing it to be stiff and cold?  What is it?

My daughter.  Always saving me.  She is so affectionate.  It makes me feel bad that I am her mother sometimes.  How can I forget to hug her?  She's amazing.  Yet its always her coming to me, reminding me, making me live.  And her energy is so pure.  Do I feel on the opposite end and unworthy?  She is so unconditional.  Just a little beautiful soldier princess of love and smiles.  I think the hardest part of being a parent is bringing something so full of light into this world and feeling like you're doing nothing but bending and twisting and gnarling something already so perfect.  I'm not even allowed to ask why she didn't end up with a mother whose middle name was love, patient and grace because I believe all things happen for a reason.    But sometimes you wish you could've been that before life happened all too fast.  It suddenly makes sense why men cower in the face of God.  They don't fear him because they are afraid for their lives.  They fear him because it is so utterly painful to see and feel something so full of love and beauty when they are not.  Feeling that deep contrast of what you thought was beauty in your own soul to that of which you know has nothing but the full brilliance of love.  The full face of love is so bright and pure it makes our own souls see all the shadows of our own fallible actions as plain as the nose on our faces.  

I'm not really sure how to love that about myself.  All my life I have struggled to be perfect so I would please others and gain acceptance.  And now I have to forget everybody else and stop being perfect and love all that I was, all that I am and all that I want to be.  I have to tell my inner child that I did the best I could.  But my inner child argues that it wasn't perfect, it isn't perfect and never will be.  I guess I need to find a role model because I am feeling a little awkward about being affectionate with me.  

I'm trying to remember what kind of affection my parents demonstrated.  They'd been fighting since before I was born.  My mom said life in general went downhill after we moved from Arizona.  The church she was rooted into, gone.  Dad working at a brewery and drinking a lot.  The classic case of them both working and/or sleeping odd hours.  Did I intuitively know just how strained their marriage has always been?  If I've always been empathic, did I already feel all the tension and frustration between them since I was little?  Did I flinch when they hugged or kissed?  With my brother and guy friends always enforcing how stupid romance is when we were kids.  Even my best friends parents were never affectionate and all the other parents were either divorced or the father always working.  My father was always working or sleeping.  

And I contemplate again.  Isn't it ironic that I have a lot of love energy but never found good examples for role models?  Is that like I have all this love and don't know what to do with it?  And I tend to avoid human contact such as hugging.  I've actually managed to almost completely isolate myself from it.  And I have to figure out how to love myself as I learn to let go of all these beliefs that have been built up in my life time.  I have to forgive myself for looking for people that also didn't know how to love others or themselves.  And it makes sense why there is so much loss in my past.

This summer marks the official letting go of all things that came before.  My family.  Old friends.  Old jobs.  Old beliefs.  Even my dog.  Old environments.  Old habits.  I have to face the life I had and let it break my heart to pieces and wash it all way.  I have to start fresh.  I have to start empty.  Only when I have nothing will I then build a new foundation on these discoveries.

Maybe I will use Barney the Dinosaur as a role model.  He hugs everybody.  Maybe I will put on a big purple suit so it won't hurt.

Or maybe I will choose to resonate with those whose energy is like mine so that when I do hug it feels natural and good like a hug should.  And I will learn to love myself faults and all so that when I hug all these beautiful people I won't cringe at how fallible I am.  And I have to build a new clan of people in my life that can support all of who I am so that I am safe and strong no matter who I am around.  So I can go out and affect others with love rather than being affected by unloving acts.

But a big purple Barney suit wouldn't hurt in the mean time.

Filters

When I was in high school or maybe my mid 20's I remember having a conversation with my then best friend.  We'd grown up together since we were four years old and she knew my family well.  Since I'd often struggled with staying fit and trim we were in a discussion about such things as this was not a foreign conversation to us.  The thing that was different was she said something that sort of struck me dumb.  One of those moments where you realize you were so close to something you were blind to it and when did your friends get so smart?  Such was the case with this.  She said something to the effect of, "Its no wonder you have such a complex about your body since your mom has always been obsessed about her weight since we were little kids.  A sort of flashback sequence began to fire off in my mind of all the years my mom had talked about her weight.  But now many things have sort of began to click together about how my mom sees the world.  

I remember when we were little and she still owned the steel blue Pontiac Bonneville she accidently rolled my head up in with the electric windows.  It was hotter than the Mojave desert that day.  I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass.  We were in the car whining for my mom to please roll down the windows because it was so hot.  But she wouldn't because she didn't want the wind to mess up her hair.  I can't remember if the car had air conditioning.  All I remember is that was the dumbest excuse I'd ever heard to die of heat exhaustion.  

I remember always sitting for a good two hours while my mom got ready to go where ever it was we had to go that day.  Sometimes it was just to the store.  She rarely ever left the house without make up on.  And I always choked if I had to walk down the hall after her finale celebration of being ready for the day which consisted of a good couple full body dousings of her favorite perfume.  She never bathed in it, but my nose couldn't tell the difference.  

Outwardly, I rebelled against all of these acts.  Even when my hair was waist long I would relish in the wind blowing it into a zillion directions.  I wore as little make up as possible.  For awhile I would wear perfume but it didn't take long for that to die away too.  The smells that get me going the most couldn't technically be worn on the body this way.  I'd rather roll in a garden of moist rich soil than put on perfume.

I remember later in life my sister being hurt because on the rare occasion she would wear make up my mom would tell her she looked like a whore.  She would always tell my sister discreetly as though that would make it hurt less.

I remember wearing a certain pair of popular jeans in high school and my mom would say I looked miles wide from the backside.  She would tell me I needed to smile more because I looked like a bitch (her words) and so that means everybody thinks I am one.

I remember becoming so obsessed when I lived with her I would fret for hours about how I looked.  I'd never walk away content.  She and I would fight because I would always ask her how I looked and she would always critique and there was always doubt in my mind.  Always worry that the world was based upon how I look.  My whole world was hinged on how my body affected the clothes I wore.  Never happy.  Never good enough.  I am not sure if I've ever believed my looks are good enough.  The only time I got positive reassurance was from men whose eyes and smile told me so or an occasional confident woman that wasn't more worried than I was.  And when you consider the road of consequences based on decisions we make, its suddenly painfully clear to me why my life went like it did.  I've been working so hard to feel that acceptance with people I couldn't even become friends with them.  Growing up with my brother I have so much missed the way men can be so simple and fun nor could I easily laugh with women without comparing myself.  I can't even express it all here because it goes too deep right now in my sudden revelation but it amazes me how this one train of (negative thinking) has transformed my life in a way I didn't want it to go.  The wrong path which consequently caused me sorrow.  No wonder I shaved my head.  I had to.  I was shedding this way of life.  Ripping it out of me.  Burning the infection out.  I want to just "be" without all these kinds of thoughts torturing me everywhere I go.  And even as I write this I am breaking down in tears and laughing all the same.  Something so painful being washed away as I realize I was just assisted in another step of healing towards self love.  A journey I requested God's help on and here he is showing up as I write.  One moment closer to self love.

I don't know why its taken me so long to realize why I have such a problem with how I look.  I never cared when I was little.  I loved everybody when I was a child.  I never agreed with my mom and even tried to tell her she was beautiful without all the make up she put on.  She wore so much it covered her up.  It is sad that she still lives that way and can't let go and forgive herself.  She can't be free.  And so many of us live this way every day caged in our own agony not only that we've trained ourselves in doing but also carrying on the mistakes of our parents. I think its up to us to try and put love back where it was found to be lost.  Keeping our children from carrying these things into the future.  Creating and promoting a world with more love and more unity one person at a time.  We have to start with ourselves.  And support each other when we fall down.  Love with love.  

And so the quote I read today really resonates with me as I try to see every body's beauty in every way they physically express it.  Stripping away labels and trying to forgive myself.

"Let your mind function freely without abiding anywhere or in anything." - Hui-Neng

Sing

When will I show up behind my voice that sings?

A silence covers in my throat

It hides in a certain reverie

Of dreams not yet seen.

A day in dreams 

Will uncover things

A swiftly moving current

A drawing of sweet breath

A music will come out of me

Of pent up fantasies

An innocence rendered

For a day of remembering. 

In Through the Out Door

I can't remember when I first started hearing George Winston.  My mom loved his music.  She always wanted a grand piano but always had to settle for a turn table and two speakers that looked like they were from a 60's rummage sale.  She would blare his music through out the house.  That ol George has been telling me stories ever since.   Winter and Autumn and even sometimes Summer would take me on wordless journeys.  Lift my soul.  The kinds of stories that don't have pictures or words.  The kind that just lift your soul and lose you in thoughts you can't ever regain.  Kind of like a dream that suddenly leaves you as you open your eyes.

I recently discovered an odd thing about music like this.  As I became very interested in meditation to soothe my soul I found it extremely hard to meditate the "normal" way.  That is sitting there doing nothing to music or worse, silence.  Emptying your mind.   Empty your vessel.... 

Ok.  To be completely honest with you there isn't nothing short of a nuclear bomb that is going to pry my mind from its thoughts.  It has been craftily weaving them through out my cranium for the past 32 years and they aren't letting go.  I can't.  Meditate per se.

Most of my pre-meditated meditations end up fruitless.  I set up the candles.  Get the music going.  Have my comfy clothes on or salt bath ready and make sure no one is bothering me.  And I sit there trying to get comfortable and breathing correctly for the next 45 minutes and next thing I know its over.  The nice thing is I've never become frustrated because my millions of A.D.D. thoughts have kept me busy and distracted the entire time.  So I did what I always do when I hit a wall.  I consulted the guru.  The internet.

There actually is a form of A.D.D. meditation!  At least as prescribed by others with A.D.D.  And wasn't it interesting to me?  Let me tell you just how so!  The woman I read about said she goes into nature and just sits and stares at something for awhile and sorta zones out.  And when that stops being her zone she just simply adjusts her focus to something else.  A leaf.  A flower.  Whatever suits her fancy.  She said lots of other really cool and funny things but I'll let you check it out here.

I thought about that a long time.  Like five minutes.  And I realized I'd already been meditating since I was a young child.  Since my family had introduced me to music like George Winston and my two other favorites Desert Vision and Natural States.   I would sit in my room for hours and just lay there doing nothing but listening and zoning out to this music.  I also would spend hours on end listening to other types of music and drawing.  I wasn't a very athletic child.  

I think I just have my own strange way of meditating that doesn't necessarily require me to still my mind at all but rather just letting it flow instead.  It becomes a river of thoughts and certain ones become accentuated.  But I guess that is what they define meditation as anyway but I never really figured out their version.  I guess I'm in through the out door as usual.  A.D.D. really just stands for always doing (it) different.

Sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain

I took my sweet best friend (dog, Oso) for a walk earlier tonight.  As I approached a busy intersection an older gentleman was making his way across the intersection.  He wasn't slow but seemed to be laboring through his brisk walk.  We approached the corner of the sidewalk at the same time.  He didn't pay any attention to me and abruptly turned his back in order to cross in the other direction.  I didn't say anything to him but turned to go down the other corner.  As I approached the light pole with the crosswalk button I reached out and pushed the button since the man was still standing about five feet from it.  I just kept walking but immediately heard him loudly say, "Thank you."

I turned to see a sweet genuine appreciation on his face and it made my heart glow.  

I don't know why but I was really monotone in response and said, "You're welcome."  I wasn't overly enthusiastic.  I wish I had smiled.  Or at least more.  

The more I reflect on him I think he didn't pay attention to me at first because it was dark out and he probably just wanted to stay safe.  My dog isn't exactly Poochie the pretty pink puppy and I am sure at night he looks a little menacing.  It was really awesome to be a part of something so momentary but heart warming.  A connection with a stranger.  Something so small yet every time I remember his face I will light up again.  It really made my day.

Its also nice to know that I am starting to appreciate such small things around myself.  Before I would notice but I don't think they could impact me as much because I was so bogged down with the hustle and bustle of life.  Not now.  I can really take each moment in.  Thankfully I have a blog to release to.  I'm a little much to handle right now.

With much appreciation and sadness I have to let my dog go.  His name is Oso.  He is Akita and German Shepherd mix.  He's a big dog.  About 75lbs roughly.  I have him in a one bedroom apartment right now and I can't tell you what a wonderful dog he is.  He is so good considering he has no yard to run in.  He is quite a handful for me since the manners I have tried to teach him never stuck.  He is like a wolf though.  He sort of just follows his own heart no matter what.  He has been there for me for all these 4 years I've been evolving.  Some of my darkest nights were spent cuddling up to him in my bed crying myself to sleep.  He and I were there for each other so much.  Both of us just doing the best we can as the river nudges us a long.  And now I can't take him on my next journey.  I have to use my best wisdom and understand that I have to say goodbye so that he can have the best life possible.  Yet again I find myself parting with something I love very much.  Sometimes my life only feels full of loss.  Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break apart.  Sometimes I don't know why I haven't fallen apart yet.  

I know he will be happy where he is going.  If all works out he will have a big backyard and two other dogs to play with.  I know the person watching him will love him as much as I do.  I know Oso will be happy.  Maybe even happier since I have this other place to go for awhile and I'm not sure when I'm coming back.  Or even who I will come back as.  

I watched a movie called Wendy and Lucy with Michelle Williams.  I feel like her and Lucy.  And of course I cried.  

The road of evolution is never supposed to be easy.  And I'd become so comfortable in my comfort zone.  So attached to so many things.  I feel like a giant tree being ripped out by my roots.  I wouldn't change this but it doesn't mean its easy.  It doesn't mean I don't have feelings about it.  It doesn't mean I don't grieve through the process even with knowing that it will all eventually work itself out.  It is all supposed to be this way.  It is easier to stay in the comfort zone.  Easier to not look at the road which I know will take me to my dreams.  I see it.  Sometimes utterly lonely and disparaging.  Sometimes with bumps and pitfalls.  Sometimes with sweet sailing.  Always making me stronger.  Also bringing me closer.  Always, always, always worth it no matter how painful.  At least the pain of going somewhere

is easier than the pain of going nowhere.

I shaved my head

I realized suddenly that I didn't post my first video evar!  How could I forget to blog this on my official blog space?  Apparently I've had a few things on my mind.  

To give a little back ground that You Tube can't and I just didn't at the time on MySpace, this was not an easy thing for me to do.  I've been talking about shaving my head for years.  I was never the type of girl to fuss with her hair.  I've had long straight blonde hair for years and much of it spent its time down to my waist.  It was pretty hair, when I brushed it.  I was always clean though.  Four years my life took a hair pin turn and not long after I whacked all my hair off.  Soon after that, I dyed it black and did a chic cut like Aeon Flux.  I kept it black for roughly a year and then it came to downsize for work quitting time.  I was told on the cheap end it would cost me a good $200 to strip the black out and cut it super pixie short.  I said O.K. and left.  Then my mind went to work on how to avoid that.  Of course the only obvious answer was to shave my head.  Its something I've been wanting to do anyway.  I figured if I didn't do it now I probably never would.  So I gritted my teeth about it for about 5 weeks.  Finally my roots were so long I couldn't stand it anymore and really knew that if nothing else I didn't want to spend $300 here at quitting time.  I'd rather spend that on a camera!  So I bit my lip and did it.

I had no idea the reaction I would have, nor the reaction others would have.  I literally freaked out and immediately threw a hat on to cover up what I had done.  There was no going back now.  Every time I saw myself in the mirror I flinched.  When I got to my corporate job a lot of people were shocked of course.  People I never saw were walking by.  I was trying to hide behind my headphones and workload and the little hat upon my head.  

That didn't stop some.  They courageously tapped me on the shoulder with a grin on their face.  I commend them.  I barely had the courage to face them, although I pretended not to care.  So many people told me they either loved it shaved or commended me for being brave enough.  Only a few mentioned that it would grow out as if I wasn't really aware of it.  I found out I had a harder time dealing with it then anybody else.  I thought I would walk in, shoulders back, head high.... it was so role reversal.  Even now its grown out quite a bit and I still struggle some days.  I realize that this is not only a problem with me but I think in society as well.  So many girls are being raised to believe in the wrong kind of beauty.  I know my soul is beautiful but I never realized how much I relied on my looks until I stripped them all away (in my mind).  This isn't the kind of thing you can get reassurance on except through plain old acceptance.  The simple plain kind where people see who you are and say I want to be her friend.  I don't think that will be easy to find until I am kind hearted enough to give it to myself.  Until I can truthfully look myself in the eye and know what I know about myself.  What a struggle!  This is another kind of luxury downsizing of a spiritual kind.  A healing kind.  In a society driven by vanity and accepted by performance can you let go of your surface beauty and know what you know about yourself?  Can stop relating your status to your car, your house, your clothes or the way you talk?  Even though everybody else said I looked great, for once I wasn't listening.  I can't really hear it right now because I haven't looked into the mirror and said it myself with conviction.  I will never regret doing it though.  I still love that I did it even though its been such a struggle.  But I am sure even if I can't completely over come this one, I will always have a kinder heart for others that have similar feelings or circumstances.  It brought me closer to reality and further from vanity.  And thats worth it.

Sandwich Philosophy and Gratitude

Yesterday I got rid of my home phone line and cable t.v.  We still have the internet obviously but I am unable to continue paying $120+ a month on things I view as a luxury.  Since I quit my job on April 30th, I am now on a fixed income.  I was luckily able to put in 15 hours of over time before I quit which really beefed up my last pay check.  We needed it!  Its funny how this process of downsizing occurs.  It requires a lot of determination to go from $56K to no income in one day flat.  I didn't just quit though.  I planned.  A little.  I just had to get out of there.  It was imperative to my health.  I had started grinding my teeth every minute I was there.  I'd come home a sore mouthed zombie everyday.  I was depleted.

My plan was to at first go to school.  I never wanted to go back to school taking needless classes just so I could take the "real" once necessary for my evolvement in whatever skill I chose.  I am a pretty focused individual and prefer learning about subjects I am so focused on its hard to tear me away from it.  I can spend endless hours researching a subject and then immediately drop it half way through and switch to something else.  I used to think I was just spinning in circles until I realized that its just that not many people work this way.  I tried to start a business with someone and they said they couldn't keep up with me.  I find this process very fulfilling though.  I learn at an odd angle I guess.   A little here and a little over there don't look like much by themselves but then I eventually group the piles together and have something completely tangible.  So school is really a tough concept if I have to be learning about subjects I don't care about.  However I finally came to the idea of film making and that interested me a whole lot.  I've been playing around with story ideas for some time and have always loved writing.  I've had a video camera for years but never the creativity to play with it due to the job.  When I came around to the filmmaking idea I found I had the type of camera without a fire wire.  That is the only way to easily get it online.  

I applied for financial aid as soon as I realized that this would be my ticket to quitting my job.  I needed this anyway for a change of pace and to build some skills.  But as usual, my job got in the way and I quickly learned that I wasn't even eligible for a Pell Grant.  I might be wrong but those about the easiest form of financial aid to apply for and get.  And according to the schools they base their decisions off the Pell Grant acceptance or in my case, denial.  I already knew before I applied but I had to try.  So by the this time I'd already quit.

I am already on tight funds as I continue to try and downsize everything possible.  Getting rid of junk.  Getting rid of services like Comcast.  And a huge one I am struggling with is not being able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want.  But an interesting thing has occurred to me.  I am a person that has been mainly vegetarian for 4-5 years now.  I will eat meat occasionally but not something I am into cooking myself and it absolutely needs to be organic.  I believe being vegetarian helps the earth's environment, it helps me have a healthier body and it also stands against the factory farms a lot of meat comes from.  Its funny how I didn't see that downsizing and buying in bulk also helps.  I have been leaning more towards fruits and veggies than the usual packaged food to conserve money and I realized I am producing so much less trash.  A head of lettuce, a carrot, an onion, avocado, bread, cucumber.   For about $10 I can make many sandwiches instead of going to Subway and only getting two.  Why are we so lazy in America?  We waste so much money trying to be convenient and we never really appreciate that until its taken away.  I sat eating my sandwich tonight and really just felt spontaneous gratitude for it.  I thought about how the next few months aren't going to be easy trying to navigate money and a future.  Not lush and cushy like a stale, stagnant corporate job.  I will be living life but also learning to be more conservative with things like food and toilet paper and how many times I wash the same pair of jeans.  But isn't it funny how now that I've quit I don't need things to be the same anymore.  Unlike working at a corporate job, who would notice or even care if I did wear the same pair of jeans in the same week or even in two consecutive days.

Isn't it interesting that if none of us were working these types of jobs we wouldn't need convenience?  We wouldn't need tupperware and microwaves.  Which I got rid of my microwave about a year or two ago.  I hate those things and they are literally a death box.  Wouldn't we all get back to the core of human "being" if we didn't have day jobs?  How would life be if we were all fulfilling our passions?  Wouldn't we get back to gratitude if things weren't so monopolized and convenient?

My next plan is to see if I could live without a car.  We'll see if I can make it happen.

My cheeks hurt

Lately I've been acting really silly with my daughter.  She is 10 and needs to laugh daily.  In all the hustle and bustle of life over the years I'd become so serious.  Not because I wanted to, but I was so stressed out it just sort of happened that way.  

On April 30, 2009 I quit my corporate job.  Everyday I cry or become emotional and am a mess right now.  I knew I would be.  May was to be for healing.  May was to begin a process of shedding years of a build up that existed inside and out of me.  I'm like distorted versions of myself as I struggle to let go what needs to go and hold on to what needs to be held.  

Like laughing.  I want to play like a child and make up for what my daughter has lost in me through working.  We turned on YouTube tonight to watch funny videos.  I was in one of my moods and feel a cold coming on.  I'm fighting it with laughter.  We giggled and laughed all night.  I realized at some point that my cheeks were hurting which hasn't happened in a really long time.  I can't wait for next time because I'm hoping my stomach will hurt.  I was always laughing before that job.  I remember I used to laugh so hard my stomach would hurt and I would start to cry from over stimulation!  I remember telling the person making me laugh to shut up before I died of suffocation if I could even manage to get that out.

I am searching desperately to regain that.  And let stress go.  Let everything go that doesn't make me feel free and happy.  I feel lighter just knowing this.  Its strange that I've often wondered if I could ever get it back.  I was that sad.  It was scary to think that there was irrepairable damage on my soul that I couldn't belly laugh ever again.  I know I've taken some massive hits in my life and I thought I would walk the rest of my days a solemn soul on this earth.  The least thing I want.  The thing that would drain anything left of my soul after that job.

I hear people laugh this way.  I know it still exists.  I know it will come back to me.  After tonight.  I watched a 10 year old movie and got to be 10 again with my daughter.  

Its also amazing how laughing broke all my moods apart and freed me from my caged thought processes.  It gave me a break from having to heal to just naturally doing so.  It is an amazing thing to laugh.  And watching my daughter giggle until she feel on the floor!  Nothing is better than watching that!  And that I could be a part of her joy.  After all these years I am finally getting to be a mother!  Not a breadwinner.  Not a protector.  Not a maid.  Not the father.  But truly enjoying my gift and giving to her as well.  If that's all I were able to see that quitting my job gave me.  It was worth it.  I'd quit a million times to really have the time and energy to be the mother I am meant to be.  To be strong for her.  To be available for her.  She's saved my life in so many ways.  She's the strongest person I know.  We've always been there for each other.  She is a true angel and has taught me more about life than any person I know.  Sometimes I think kids are here to raise the parents.  

I'm so glad I quit.  

Lost in Translation

Like suddenly becoming aware of the many different radio stations all at once.  So much over load all at once my system seems to lock down and zone out.  Things making total sense.  Things not making any sense at all.  Trying to connect the endless tangents together to make some sort of creation that others could relate to.  To draw the picture for them thats inside my head.  Bouncing from all the aspects of life to try and make sense of who I am.  I know who I am over in that stretch of reality and this corner of reality and who I am around that person and who I am by myself.  But really that doesn't strip away all the barriers inside my head.  The things I've collected about life since early childhood.  All those gates that made my mind close off without my even knowing it.  Living on a tiny island convinced it is the world.  Convinced thats all there is.  And then you read something or meet someone or go somewhere and you realize how tiny your mind is.  How much more you could grow.  How much you're missing in life.  That's how I feel today.  I have struggled so hard for so long and thought I was really on to things.  Thought I was really making progress!  Thought I was really coming into my own skin.  And I run into this person.  This information.  This place I'm moving to and towards both physically and spiritually and I'm awe struck.  I'm paralyzed and my lips start babbling with an incoherent mind.  Somehow it all makes sense.  I want to shut down.  Close off.  Could this be?  What is it?  My whole destiny laid out before me and it scares me.  Shakes my core.  I really did jump off a cliff.  I really did leap and this isn't a dream I keep crying I keep crying.  Its not a dream.  And my friend tells me in not so many words it was all meant to be.  I am right on track and I am shaking and going crazy.  But.

I love it.  

Rip me open and lets start again.  This time I am taking the control and making life how I want it to be.  I want to be happy and playful.  I want to knife my anxiety.  Go with the flow and make decisions based on who I am and not what I fear.  

Alligator's Don't Count

I just got done watching the included link on Comcast's video from Fox news.  The video opens with the news anchor man declaring this as one of his favorite stories.  He then begins to tell of the glory and magnificence of a nine foot alligator "frolicking" in the surf on a Florida beach.  They are all amazed to find this alligator here.  They quickly call the authorities to come relocate the alligator.  It showed no aggression and didn't hurt anybody.  Didn't we all believe in animal rights too?  I'm still confused as to what this beautiful beast did to deserve death except be too large to fit in a holding tank!?  Did I hear this correctly?  I am so saddened that human beings constantly reduce animals to this sort of out come due to our behavior of not wanting to take the time to properly deal with situations.  Animals more and more seem to get the brunt of our attitude of inconvenience.  They killed this alligator because he couldn't fit in their holding pen.  And this is quite okay with everybody because it makes such a great story?  I don't understand.  And the news man really upsets me with his mockery of a stuff animal alligator all tied and taped up like the one that died.  But after all it is his favorite news story.  Why is it okay for humans to get rid of anything they deem an inconvenience?  Why is this okay?  

Catch human societies latest abomination here:

Nine Foot Alligator Dies Because He's a Nuisance

Just Start Living

My mind swims with all the things I need to do, remember, organize, clean, watch and I'm already worn out. I haven't even begun because it takes so much time just to try and remember what I am supposed to be doing. This world seems to be madness, just pure madness and it never ever, ever seems to stop. How can I make it stop. Its the little carnival carousel that never stops. The magical plastic horses that are supposed to carry us into our greatest dreams are really only leading us around in tiny, sickening little circles. How do I make it stop?

I'll make it stop. I have to get off the ride. Maybe I'll even have to jump kicking and screaming and be tossed down small hill where I will receive stickers in my butt and grass in my hair and possibly even a few skid marks on my arms called grass rash. Who knows, but I have to make it stop. This madness.

So I just start. And start. And everyday I feel like I am starting over. And every day I feel like I'm getting nowhere. But its just my mind trying to commit trickery against me because secretly inside of me are actually two people warring over my future. One of me insists on remaining fat, lazy and useless. The dead weight of this inner enemy is more than half a person can endure, but my inner hero must triumph against all odds. My inner hero half must rush against the odds day after day after day, wave after wave after wave until one day, Inner slob is so fat and weak it has to fall to the side and let the inner hero persevere. Gain way inner slob because inner hero is growing stronger and stronger. Yesterday, inner hero refused to be defeated. Inner hero refused buying junk food and worked out for the first time in months. Two points for inner hero and penalties for inner slob. Thank god inner slob has no desire to do anything. Thank god inner slob is a sucker for laziness because that just makes inner hero's job all the easier.

Through all of my thoughts, triumphs and failures one thing always remains inside of me. Desire. Desire for change, desire for achievement, desire for something better than what I've been doing for so long. And that desire drives my inner hero like no other. Through many days of failure, through onslaught of problems after onslaught of problems, my desire continues to drive me. Some days I feel like the biggest loser but still my desire drives me forward. And here and there I get tiny glimpses of hope. I am going in the right direction. I am making the right choices. I am understanding the concepts of spirituality and how they help everybody by themselves and together and all at the same time. We are so vastly interconnected it blows my mind. I have been through divorces, inner struggle, bankruptcy, losing people I loved, not being able to get rid of people I don't, having people judge me so severely for what I believed in, having people try to mentally win my daughter from me. Having lots of friends, having no friends, having lots of money, having no money. Trying things that people don't praise me for, being praised for things I just do. I've been lied to, cheated on and utterly destroyed by human beings. Have we all? Raising my daughter, dealing with verbal abuse, dealing with A.D.D. The list goes on deep enough to cover the wounds.

I am some how learning that although a grieving process is good, any more than that is just another thing I am letting inner slob use as an excuse to keep me from moving forward. All these obstacles that are being thrown at us from every direction are just obstacles after awhile. At some point, we have to keep moving forward. Life is meant to be free. Life is meant to be lived with the curiousity of a child, mixed with common sense and ultimate freedom to express ourselves and help others. Many have grown so far away from this concept. Dazzled by the latest toys we are kept on the carnival carousel not knowing how to jump off.

For me, I had to soul search myself before I could even think to jump off. I have to find myself again. My inner child. That person that wants freedom so badly but has let the judgement and verbal abuse of her childhood hold her like an invisible cage.

So if you want to jump off. Just start. Start looking at where you are at and then compare that to where you want to go. What do you want? What do you love? What do you need? All of these have to be answered with all the dogma from society stripped away. Remember back to when you were a kid and answer with that person still living deep inside of you. Ask you 10 year old self what you would do if you could stop life now and start doing whatever it is you dream to do. And that's a start. So just start.

What is the meaning of health?

In 2005, a severe turning point came about in my life. I was on the uneven tile floors of my not-so-great Aurora town home, scrubbing them furiously for reasons I can't remember. I was hysterical. My mind was closing in on itself, but I can't remember why. I just remember the intense emotion of being unstable. For quite some time, I had been a typical roller coaster of emotions. The type of girl that went crazy without her "meds".

It was such an intense feeling to feel so out of control and never know when I was going to spiral next. And that night on the floor, scrubbing those stupid uneven tiles was my breaking point. Shortly after that I began my first experiment to regain my health. I didn't know what I was doing except trying new things. That's when I decided to stop eating meat. I had always heard meat was pumped full of hormones, and gauging from my all month long PMS emotional tirades, I was guessing that could be having some influence on my behavior. That was my first experiment, but certainly not my last. It launched the beginning of my full time study into total body health. This for me included spirit, mind and body.

Since then, I have become Master Reiki certified, learned EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and many natural home remedies that actually work better for your body than over the counter medicines. I've learned that I am blessed with A.D.D/ADHD and am able to work with it without doctor prescribed medicines. Learning to live without conventional medicine has also given me confidence to not solely rely on the opinions of others about my body's health. I can infact know better than the doctors just by listening to what my body is telling me. The beginning of my life long journey into holistic healing has also changed my mind about the products I use in and on my body, the foods I eat, the things I focus my mind on and what I surround myself with in my environment.

By shifting my mind's perspective about health it has also changed the way I spend my money. I spend less money through my medical insurance plan, and more money on healthy foods and products that keep my immune system and body running well all year long. When I purchase whole medicines they work congruently with my body rather than killing off the good and bad bacterias like many prescribed antibiotics will. My health has become a constant future forward effort which I am always striving to meet the next level.

I can't say I never get sick or have things wrong with me, but I have also learned why we get sick and what different factors affect us in such a way to make us sick. It can sometimes be somewhat intricate to unravel but the benefits of self health care are amazing and rewarding. My body and mind feel better on a consistent basis than before. I am more stable, energetic and happier over all.

Just switching to organic fruits and vegetables vs. conventional has been great because the taste is so much more amazing! If you were like me and grew up on conventionally grown produce, you wouldn't know the difference in taste until you tried it, maybe even a few times. Apparently pesticides rob our produce of their natural flavors. I am a greater fan of fresh produce now because of the taste difference and the bonus is I am not filling my body with pesticides which break down my immune system and over all body/spirit function.

Taking notice of my health has changed my life forever. It is an amazing feeling to have more control of my own body and confidence that I can take good care of myself by making better choices. My hope is that more people will begin taking better care of their bodies, mind and spirit too. The positive life changing factor alone is worth it!

So the next time you're at the store, take a taste test. Buy your favorite fruit or vegetable in organic and see if you can taste the difference. One small experiment won't hurt. I've personally noticed a huge taste difference in organic tomatoes, carrots and apples. Let me know what you find out.

Life purpose

I want to ask why everybody is so afraid of copy cats and plagiarism. I want to know why we are all so afraid of being too much like somebody else and not enough like others. Why we are so afraid we can't do it because somebody else already is.

I came across the Universal Laws after watching The Secret and after awhile I began to think I couldn't do what I wanted because someone else already was doing what I wanted to do. I didn't want to look insincere or fake. I also didn't want to have to compete with other people's work. I even became depressed at never figuring out what it was I was going to do because I haven't ever been able to find my niche. I've been swimming around in this for a long time. I think I was even paralyzed for awhile not able to write, draw or create what I love.

I watched others struggle with this as well. A friend of mine has a great concept he's working on and it would be something very catchy for other people to want to copy and maybe some are, but he finally just had to resolve to not worrying about it or he'd never get to fulfill his dreams.

The thing is, I really know why we are all worried and afraid. Some even do steal and commit plagiarism or copycat because they are also afraid that what they have to offer the world isn't good enough coming from themselves. Or some are just too damn lazy to do the hard work.

My friend has a non-profit and he brought on a volunteer that thought he'd just come right in and take over. He displayed all the classic signs of fear and laziness. The poor guy is living a miserable life because he won't just realize himself and his potential. He'd go so much further if he'd put any sort of energy into himself instead.

As is the case with all of us, until we start cleaning house inside ourselves, life can begin to cloud our future, our destiny. Fears come in and stop us in our tracks telling us that everybody can do it better or that its hard or that we're never gonna make it.

I started on this journey packing weight, smoking, a pack rat, in debt up to my eyeballs, no dreams or aspirations(that I could remember), nothing. I had all the junk built up of an American lifestyle gone terribly wrong and all the life inside me was squelched out. I was a single mother trying to live like everyone else and it just wasn't working.

Even as I began to move away from what I didn't like, I had no idea what I was moving into. I had no idea I was just naturally moving towards the things I desired most! I had to leave my Christian church because it was making me miserable with all the rules and facades I never seemed to fit into. I ended up filing bankruptcy because I was so in debt there was no hope for recovery. I had to get rid of my cats which I still miss to this day. I had to get rid of my beloved 2000 Jeep Wrangler that I loved more than any other material possession. The Jeep made me feel like I was giving up my identity which was tough because I didn't have much at the time. I ended up driving a Dodge Shadow that got me around for awhile but the car was not what I would classify as "cute".

I also had to give up a lot of relationships as well. Unfortunately they all went sour and I haven't been able to recover from any of them yet, but I know now the bigger reason I really left was because I was letting them hold me back. I wasn't a big enough person to stay in those relationships and still live the life I wanted to live. I had to leave them in order to get to the future I had been longing for.

I literally let go of every aspect I had once lived in everyday. I gave up many belief systems and ways of living to shed off the years of lies I had allowed myself to build up around myself. All the lies I had been living shielded me from who I really am and took me further from my destiny everyday. It hasn't been an easy road, but now I am writing, playing, dreaming, imagining, drawing, and doing things I wouldn't have otherwise.

I realize now that I am so unique from everybody else, I don't have to worry about saying something said, just in a different way. I don't have to worry about producing a product that others have, because my products come from me. They come from my experiences in life and the energy I surround them with. My art will never be like any other, and my music will never be like another's. I am my own, I am unique and I am free. And so are you.

So if you're worried about what you have and you're worried about what to give. Don't worry. Just be yourself. Work on yourself and change the things you don't like, and put more energy into your strengths. Continue on your journey with your eyes and mind open. You and I, we were put here for a reason. And if we don't offer that out to the world then we are keeping things from those we are here to speak to and help through their journey.

Everybody on this earth is like a puzzle piece. And if you don't step up to your own plate so to speak, then the world is missing your piece of the puzzle. So not only do we all not want you to copy or worry about being copied, we need you to step up so we can all share and participate in this huge learning experience.

I wish they taught this idea more in life instead of shutting it down. I remember being taught these concepts back in early grade school, but not much after wards. And now we're taught to laugh and sneer at anybody that isn't trying to keep up with

Fly In The Face Of Fear

How often do you sit there with fear hanging on your shoulders like a bully from the school yard playground?

You've lived your life, head down, doing whatever fear tells you to do, because you don't want any trouble. You don't want to go against the grain. You're worried if you go against your fear, it'll end up being right and you'll forever have to face the laughter of ridicule, remembering what an idiot failure you are? OR maybe you did try to face fear and did fail...

You trust fear, more than you trust yourself...

When did that happen? When did you decide to let fear creep in holding a knife to your throat, knowing everyday its killing you. A slow death. A slow death of your soul while your body painfully lives on in this prison.

In anger you start randomly blaming anything. So and so, cut you off in traffic. The guy at work is a jerk because he kisses butt better than you do and gets paid more. Its not your fault your life is the way it is, that's just how life is now days. Its not your fault you can't pay the bills this month, the economy is bad, your wife/husband spent all the money, the kids needed those Nintendos so you could get some peace and quiet after work, besides they deserve them! And new situations constantly arise, (hey I like "friends night out!"), comforting your anger daily and carefully displacing the guilt so you don't have to deal with all the pain that surrounds the fact that you totally hate your life because deep inside you know your soul is in a prison. A dark, dank prison where everybody, including your own mind tells it what to do everyday.

Aren't you sad? Aren't you tired of not ever doing what you REALLY want to do? Aren't you tired of the mounds of bills? The people constantly pulling at you from every direction? Aren't you tired of always feeling like there is no way out even if you DID want to get out of your prison? You're stuck!

Well I felt that way at one point in my life too. I couldn't see where my life was going as a single mother of a bright little girl who deserved so much more. At that time, I had gone to church diligently and did everything they said would make me succeed not only there but in my personal life and finances. I did everything at work too that they told me to do. It was useless though. I hardly had any friends, I was deep in debt and spiritually bankrupt. My daughter was suffering the most and I knew it. I was in utter despair. But I eventually found a way out of this black hole and can tell you that you can change it all. It is possible if you're willing to stand up and take accountability for it.

You are not stuck, you only "seem" stuck. You're only focused on the things that do keep you stuck. You're focused on what you don't have, don't want and can't stand. Its like running full speed ahead with your head turned backwards.

Until you change your focus (turn your head in the direction you're wanting to go), you will always feel like there is no hope for you. Give yourself a break. Stop acting like you're not worth it. Stop feeling like even though John Doe down the street has $150,000 paying job, you're not worth that. The truth of the matter is that we are all worth having what we want. And we all have the power to create whatever it is we want. With some time and patience and a lot of tenacity to face your fear (of yourself) you can change your entire life around.

Face that fear by running directly at it. If you're afraid to do something because of what other people will think, then do it anyway. You'll discover after awhile, their opinions are not only invalid for what you are doing, but also not that big of deal. Many times, people just don't understand what you are going through and therefore are not even qualified to judge you. We are all equals and once you realize that, other people stop having that power over you.

If you're deathly afraid to do what you absolutely love, chances are, that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Of course as long as its morally legal and not intentionally out to hurt others.

Start remembering what it is you love to do and move towards it with good intentions, and positive thoughts. Get pictures of what you want and tape them up so you can constantly remember what you're moving towards. Ignore your fears by displacing them with exactly what you want. Dream and use your imagination and start thinking of what kind of future you'd really like to have! This alone, will be a great step to conquering fear.

If you want to be a professional writer, start a personal journal.
If you want to be a professional sports player, start in your own backyard.
If you want to be an actor or singer, start in front of your mirror.
If you want to be a cook, start in your kitchen.

Take baby steps towards your future. Like with all things, it takes time to become good at what we like. Start studying what it is you wish you were doing. Study others that are doing what you wish to be doing. Take small steps. As you take each step, different opportunities begin to open up because you're already moving away from your endless broken record of a life which only went around in circles. The minute you step out of that old thinking, more opportunities, and points of view can occur. The more you move, the more new things are able to reach you. Keep your mind open to receive new ideas!

If you become frustrated at any point in the process, go back to things like this blog that you've read which will begin to encourage you again. Hire a coach to help keep you focused as well. Do anything and everything to fight your fears of moving into the unknown future you so badly desire!

Most of all DO NOT GIVE UP!

Social Robots

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

A social robot is an autonomous robot that interacts and communicates with humans or other autonomous physical agents by following social behaviors and rules attached to its role.

Autonomous robots are robots which can perform desired tasks in unstructured environments without continuous human guidance.

You get up every morning at a certain time, dress a certain way and eat a certain meal. You leave for a certain job, in a certain kind of vehicle on a certain kind of route. You get to your certain job, do some certain tasks in a certain kind of way, take breaks and lunches at a certain time of day. If trouble arises, you respond with a certain set of words and kiss some certain kind of ass. You leave at a certain time of day, unless that ass insists you stay.... Some eat dinner at the same old certain time, make sure to grab all those certain tv shows, kiss that certain family of yours and don't forget all those certain holidays.

And repeat, ... because,... you have to.

But when you lay your head down on that pillow at night, and your thoughts are finally to yourself. Are you certain?

What can you start to do different?

Maybe you're not aware of this, but one small change in your actions can ripple out into your life and the universe like a ripple on a pond. By making small changes in your everyday life, you can begin to take back control of what is rightfully yours and change your course towards the future.

The first step is becoming brave enough to say you don't want to deal with the complacency or monotony of your life anymore. You get to pick and chose where that might exist, but the bottom line is you deserve to be happy in EVERY aspect of your life, and if you're not then you're just settling for less. If you can just think of one place you're unhappy, then that might be the first place to start a small step towards change. Maybe you have many places you're unhappy. That's okay too.

Whatever the case may be for you, isn't it time to start finding what it is you so deeply desire? Wouldn't you like to know how to become happy and joyful in all aspects of your life? Wouldn't you like to know how to fulfill that inner desire of helping others that really gets you going?

Then you must start. You must start becoming curious about yourself and all the things you wish to do. Force yourself to make the time for you because nobody else will. And until you start making quality time to find out, you will never know you. You can sit around on your hard earned couch watching the TV shows other people created, the music others composed in the house or car somebody else designed, or you can break free from the TV, the monotony, the complacency and follow your destiny. We all have something valuable to offer lying deep inside of us. If you're unsure, look at the many of thousands of valuable things people try and sell you. That should make the picture a little clearer.

The only catch is, you have to do this yourself. Disconnect your social robot and start manually controlling your life.

Do It Yourself! You're worth it!