I realized suddenly that I didn't post my first video evar! How could I forget to blog this on my official blog space? Apparently I've had a few things on my mind.
To give a little back ground that You Tube can't and I just didn't at the time on MySpace, this was not an easy thing for me to do. I've been talking about shaving my head for years. I was never the type of girl to fuss with her hair. I've had long straight blonde hair for years and much of it spent its time down to my waist. It was pretty hair, when I brushed it. I was always clean though. Four years my life took a hair pin turn and not long after I whacked all my hair off. Soon after that, I dyed it black and did a chic cut like Aeon Flux. I kept it black for roughly a year and then it came to downsize for work quitting time. I was told on the cheap end it would cost me a good $200 to strip the black out and cut it super pixie short. I said O.K. and left. Then my mind went to work on how to avoid that. Of course the only obvious answer was to shave my head. Its something I've been wanting to do anyway. I figured if I didn't do it now I probably never would. So I gritted my teeth about it for about 5 weeks. Finally my roots were so long I couldn't stand it anymore and really knew that if nothing else I didn't want to spend $300 here at quitting time. I'd rather spend that on a camera! So I bit my lip and did it.
I had no idea the reaction I would have, nor the reaction others would have. I literally freaked out and immediately threw a hat on to cover up what I had done. There was no going back now. Every time I saw myself in the mirror I flinched. When I got to my corporate job a lot of people were shocked of course. People I never saw were walking by. I was trying to hide behind my headphones and workload and the little hat upon my head.
That didn't stop some. They courageously tapped me on the shoulder with a grin on their face. I commend them. I barely had the courage to face them, although I pretended not to care. So many people told me they either loved it shaved or commended me for being brave enough. Only a few mentioned that it would grow out as if I wasn't really aware of it. I found out I had a harder time dealing with it then anybody else. I thought I would walk in, shoulders back, head high.... it was so role reversal. Even now its grown out quite a bit and I still struggle some days. I realize that this is not only a problem with me but I think in society as well. So many girls are being raised to believe in the wrong kind of beauty. I know my soul is beautiful but I never realized how much I relied on my looks until I stripped them all away (in my mind). This isn't the kind of thing you can get reassurance on except through plain old acceptance. The simple plain kind where people see who you are and say I want to be her friend. I don't think that will be easy to find until I am kind hearted enough to give it to myself. Until I can truthfully look myself in the eye and know what I know about myself. What a struggle! This is another kind of luxury downsizing of a spiritual kind. A healing kind. In a society driven by vanity and accepted by performance can you let go of your surface beauty and know what you know about yourself? Can stop relating your status to your car, your house, your clothes or the way you talk? Even though everybody else said I looked great, for once I wasn't listening. I can't really hear it right now because I haven't looked into the mirror and said it myself with conviction. I will never regret doing it though. I still love that I did it even though its been such a struggle. But I am sure even if I can't completely over come this one, I will always have a kinder heart for others that have similar feelings or circumstances. It brought me closer to reality and further from vanity. And thats worth it.
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