My cheeks hurt

Lately I've been acting really silly with my daughter.  She is 10 and needs to laugh daily.  In all the hustle and bustle of life over the years I'd become so serious.  Not because I wanted to, but I was so stressed out it just sort of happened that way.  

On April 30, 2009 I quit my corporate job.  Everyday I cry or become emotional and am a mess right now.  I knew I would be.  May was to be for healing.  May was to begin a process of shedding years of a build up that existed inside and out of me.  I'm like distorted versions of myself as I struggle to let go what needs to go and hold on to what needs to be held.  

Like laughing.  I want to play like a child and make up for what my daughter has lost in me through working.  We turned on YouTube tonight to watch funny videos.  I was in one of my moods and feel a cold coming on.  I'm fighting it with laughter.  We giggled and laughed all night.  I realized at some point that my cheeks were hurting which hasn't happened in a really long time.  I can't wait for next time because I'm hoping my stomach will hurt.  I was always laughing before that job.  I remember I used to laugh so hard my stomach would hurt and I would start to cry from over stimulation!  I remember telling the person making me laugh to shut up before I died of suffocation if I could even manage to get that out.

I am searching desperately to regain that.  And let stress go.  Let everything go that doesn't make me feel free and happy.  I feel lighter just knowing this.  Its strange that I've often wondered if I could ever get it back.  I was that sad.  It was scary to think that there was irrepairable damage on my soul that I couldn't belly laugh ever again.  I know I've taken some massive hits in my life and I thought I would walk the rest of my days a solemn soul on this earth.  The least thing I want.  The thing that would drain anything left of my soul after that job.

I hear people laugh this way.  I know it still exists.  I know it will come back to me.  After tonight.  I watched a 10 year old movie and got to be 10 again with my daughter.  

Its also amazing how laughing broke all my moods apart and freed me from my caged thought processes.  It gave me a break from having to heal to just naturally doing so.  It is an amazing thing to laugh.  And watching my daughter giggle until she feel on the floor!  Nothing is better than watching that!  And that I could be a part of her joy.  After all these years I am finally getting to be a mother!  Not a breadwinner.  Not a protector.  Not a maid.  Not the father.  But truly enjoying my gift and giving to her as well.  If that's all I were able to see that quitting my job gave me.  It was worth it.  I'd quit a million times to really have the time and energy to be the mother I am meant to be.  To be strong for her.  To be available for her.  She's saved my life in so many ways.  She's the strongest person I know.  We've always been there for each other.  She is a true angel and has taught me more about life than any person I know.  Sometimes I think kids are here to raise the parents.  

I'm so glad I quit.  

Lost in Translation

Like suddenly becoming aware of the many different radio stations all at once.  So much over load all at once my system seems to lock down and zone out.  Things making total sense.  Things not making any sense at all.  Trying to connect the endless tangents together to make some sort of creation that others could relate to.  To draw the picture for them thats inside my head.  Bouncing from all the aspects of life to try and make sense of who I am.  I know who I am over in that stretch of reality and this corner of reality and who I am around that person and who I am by myself.  But really that doesn't strip away all the barriers inside my head.  The things I've collected about life since early childhood.  All those gates that made my mind close off without my even knowing it.  Living on a tiny island convinced it is the world.  Convinced thats all there is.  And then you read something or meet someone or go somewhere and you realize how tiny your mind is.  How much more you could grow.  How much you're missing in life.  That's how I feel today.  I have struggled so hard for so long and thought I was really on to things.  Thought I was really making progress!  Thought I was really coming into my own skin.  And I run into this person.  This information.  This place I'm moving to and towards both physically and spiritually and I'm awe struck.  I'm paralyzed and my lips start babbling with an incoherent mind.  Somehow it all makes sense.  I want to shut down.  Close off.  Could this be?  What is it?  My whole destiny laid out before me and it scares me.  Shakes my core.  I really did jump off a cliff.  I really did leap and this isn't a dream I keep crying I keep crying.  Its not a dream.  And my friend tells me in not so many words it was all meant to be.  I am right on track and I am shaking and going crazy.  But.

I love it.  

Rip me open and lets start again.  This time I am taking the control and making life how I want it to be.  I want to be happy and playful.  I want to knife my anxiety.  Go with the flow and make decisions based on who I am and not what I fear.