Grief and Grieving

Click the title of this blog and it will take you to the article and website which I recommend for a lot of valuable information and tools.  I wanted to include this website because it is what inspired me to write my previous blog.  I have encountered a heightened amount of loss in the past four years.  I think I might well qualify here as grieving and most likely, improperly.  I think a lot of people are like me.  Grieving still and not understanding or even knowing it needs to change.  It can change.  I think anything we change constitutes also as a loss.  Something old going out, something new coming in.

In the past four years I've lost:

- Old religious beliefs and most of my old beliefs

- My relationship with my family

- 3 places of residence

- a significant relationship

- my sweet canary

- two gerbils

- one of two dogs

- my three cats

- my best friends

- new friends

- my job

- my credit

- my hair in a few different ways

- went through severe family conflict

- the greatest automobile ever built - my Jeep

- lost support, camraderie, fellowship, being connected, close friendships

- lost the feeling of safety within myself

- lost the feeling of belonging anywhere

I'm sure there is so much more.  All this time I was grieving with self pity not understanding why it even mattered.  Holding so tight.  But not without noticing as these things have passed away so new things have come.

According to the Law of Vacancy, once you get rid of something you don't want, something else has to take its place eventually.  This summer is a pause.  All that remains will break completely away.  By fall many new things will be coming.  I'm trying to keep my faith and hope in that.  

This summer keeps me in the analogy of a music symbol.  The rest sign.  I have to fully play it because I can't keep one foot in the past and one foot in the future or I will miss all the silence and shifting that is still very much a part of the whole song.  I have to just rest and listen now.

Search For Self

Something strange for me as a child, teenager and adult is I seem to forget to hug.  This is ironic to me since both my Reiki teacher and psychic told me I have a lot of green/pink energy in my aura which is from the heart chakra; love.  

I believe that as soon as we're born we start adopting all the beliefs and tendencies of our parents or caregivers.  We become like the environment we're in.  My mom and I had discussed this subject once laughing at why I was never too huggie.  She said I was with constant affection as a child.  I am the baby of the family and was spoiled rotten, she said.  She said she hugged me all the time.  At 2 years old she said I was patting my brother on the back telling him not to cry about his lost shoe.  So I don't believe I was not given enough affection or taught not to show it.  But somewhere a long the lines I failed this common, (extr)ordinary human gesture.  

When my sister moved out of the house as a newlywed my mom went nuts.  My sister was the exact opposite and was always begging my mom for a hug.  I was in the 6th grade and my mom started coming to me all the time for hugs.  She said she missed my sister and how come I never wanted to hug her.  What was worse was the fact that she pointed out I never really got into the hug.  She said I sorta hugged her from afar.   I was a distance hugger.   And after hearing that, I was a distance hugger with a complex.   

I have contemplated that perhaps its my acute sensitivity to everything in my environment including other people's energy.  My daughter and I walked by bus stop the other day full of waiting shady characters which I didn't even look at.  As we passed each one of them you could feel the different energy change from each person.  I told her it was like walking through a dark rainbow.  

This makes sense because some people I will hug more willingly than others all depending on their energy output.  Its hard to know also because other people do not like to be touched and I am extremely sensitive to this as well.  It really bothers me if I do something like that and they weren't inviting it.   I also am sensitive to people touching me because my skin is super sensitive.  My on going war with clothing as a child should have been a huge indicator to my mom but she just thought I was just being a pain.  I used to fight my clothes agonizingly as a child and the seam on the toe of socks was the worst.  I can't count how many times this was a problem.  So many mornings my mom would be so distraught over something she could never seem to fix.  I feel bad my parents had no idea I was just sensitive.

 This is also connected to being empathic.  Feeling your feelings.  When my grandpa died last March(08) though I hardly knew him I cried for everybody else.  The grief my father felt gave me a panic attack as I drove home that day from work.  

I heard once that to an empathic when a leaf hits the ground their whole world shakes.  It was really nice to finally  hear a description of how I'd been feeling for so long.  Somebody in this world understood just how sensitive I am an I didn't have to feel bad or ashamed anymore.  I didn't have to feel like I was being so over dramatic about life.

After so many years of denying myself and trying to pretend to be something I am not, sometimes it is hard to love me.  My journey requires self love as everybody's does.  But its so hard sometimes to even remember I need affection.  I've been so busy protecting myself with armor and swords.  Trying to reach out for affection and human touch sometimes makes me feel like an albino in the sun.  Exposed and vulnerable.  But also real and genuine.  

I remember all the stories of premature babies in the hospitals.  Sometimes just being held every chance they could is what saved their lives.  Human touch is so powerful.

And do I shy from this?  Being translucent, is it also too much the other way?  Being so sensitive, can a wrong mix of energy be the awkwardness?  Did it hurt to hug?  Did I put a wall of energy there causing it to be stiff and cold?  What is it?

My daughter.  Always saving me.  She is so affectionate.  It makes me feel bad that I am her mother sometimes.  How can I forget to hug her?  She's amazing.  Yet its always her coming to me, reminding me, making me live.  And her energy is so pure.  Do I feel on the opposite end and unworthy?  She is so unconditional.  Just a little beautiful soldier princess of love and smiles.  I think the hardest part of being a parent is bringing something so full of light into this world and feeling like you're doing nothing but bending and twisting and gnarling something already so perfect.  I'm not even allowed to ask why she didn't end up with a mother whose middle name was love, patient and grace because I believe all things happen for a reason.    But sometimes you wish you could've been that before life happened all too fast.  It suddenly makes sense why men cower in the face of God.  They don't fear him because they are afraid for their lives.  They fear him because it is so utterly painful to see and feel something so full of love and beauty when they are not.  Feeling that deep contrast of what you thought was beauty in your own soul to that of which you know has nothing but the full brilliance of love.  The full face of love is so bright and pure it makes our own souls see all the shadows of our own fallible actions as plain as the nose on our faces.  

I'm not really sure how to love that about myself.  All my life I have struggled to be perfect so I would please others and gain acceptance.  And now I have to forget everybody else and stop being perfect and love all that I was, all that I am and all that I want to be.  I have to tell my inner child that I did the best I could.  But my inner child argues that it wasn't perfect, it isn't perfect and never will be.  I guess I need to find a role model because I am feeling a little awkward about being affectionate with me.  

I'm trying to remember what kind of affection my parents demonstrated.  They'd been fighting since before I was born.  My mom said life in general went downhill after we moved from Arizona.  The church she was rooted into, gone.  Dad working at a brewery and drinking a lot.  The classic case of them both working and/or sleeping odd hours.  Did I intuitively know just how strained their marriage has always been?  If I've always been empathic, did I already feel all the tension and frustration between them since I was little?  Did I flinch when they hugged or kissed?  With my brother and guy friends always enforcing how stupid romance is when we were kids.  Even my best friends parents were never affectionate and all the other parents were either divorced or the father always working.  My father was always working or sleeping.  

And I contemplate again.  Isn't it ironic that I have a lot of love energy but never found good examples for role models?  Is that like I have all this love and don't know what to do with it?  And I tend to avoid human contact such as hugging.  I've actually managed to almost completely isolate myself from it.  And I have to figure out how to love myself as I learn to let go of all these beliefs that have been built up in my life time.  I have to forgive myself for looking for people that also didn't know how to love others or themselves.  And it makes sense why there is so much loss in my past.

This summer marks the official letting go of all things that came before.  My family.  Old friends.  Old jobs.  Old beliefs.  Even my dog.  Old environments.  Old habits.  I have to face the life I had and let it break my heart to pieces and wash it all way.  I have to start fresh.  I have to start empty.  Only when I have nothing will I then build a new foundation on these discoveries.

Maybe I will use Barney the Dinosaur as a role model.  He hugs everybody.  Maybe I will put on a big purple suit so it won't hurt.

Or maybe I will choose to resonate with those whose energy is like mine so that when I do hug it feels natural and good like a hug should.  And I will learn to love myself faults and all so that when I hug all these beautiful people I won't cringe at how fallible I am.  And I have to build a new clan of people in my life that can support all of who I am so that I am safe and strong no matter who I am around.  So I can go out and affect others with love rather than being affected by unloving acts.

But a big purple Barney suit wouldn't hurt in the mean time.

Filters

When I was in high school or maybe my mid 20's I remember having a conversation with my then best friend.  We'd grown up together since we were four years old and she knew my family well.  Since I'd often struggled with staying fit and trim we were in a discussion about such things as this was not a foreign conversation to us.  The thing that was different was she said something that sort of struck me dumb.  One of those moments where you realize you were so close to something you were blind to it and when did your friends get so smart?  Such was the case with this.  She said something to the effect of, "Its no wonder you have such a complex about your body since your mom has always been obsessed about her weight since we were little kids.  A sort of flashback sequence began to fire off in my mind of all the years my mom had talked about her weight.  But now many things have sort of began to click together about how my mom sees the world.  

I remember when we were little and she still owned the steel blue Pontiac Bonneville she accidently rolled my head up in with the electric windows.  It was hotter than the Mojave desert that day.  I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass.  We were in the car whining for my mom to please roll down the windows because it was so hot.  But she wouldn't because she didn't want the wind to mess up her hair.  I can't remember if the car had air conditioning.  All I remember is that was the dumbest excuse I'd ever heard to die of heat exhaustion.  

I remember always sitting for a good two hours while my mom got ready to go where ever it was we had to go that day.  Sometimes it was just to the store.  She rarely ever left the house without make up on.  And I always choked if I had to walk down the hall after her finale celebration of being ready for the day which consisted of a good couple full body dousings of her favorite perfume.  She never bathed in it, but my nose couldn't tell the difference.  

Outwardly, I rebelled against all of these acts.  Even when my hair was waist long I would relish in the wind blowing it into a zillion directions.  I wore as little make up as possible.  For awhile I would wear perfume but it didn't take long for that to die away too.  The smells that get me going the most couldn't technically be worn on the body this way.  I'd rather roll in a garden of moist rich soil than put on perfume.

I remember later in life my sister being hurt because on the rare occasion she would wear make up my mom would tell her she looked like a whore.  She would always tell my sister discreetly as though that would make it hurt less.

I remember wearing a certain pair of popular jeans in high school and my mom would say I looked miles wide from the backside.  She would tell me I needed to smile more because I looked like a bitch (her words) and so that means everybody thinks I am one.

I remember becoming so obsessed when I lived with her I would fret for hours about how I looked.  I'd never walk away content.  She and I would fight because I would always ask her how I looked and she would always critique and there was always doubt in my mind.  Always worry that the world was based upon how I look.  My whole world was hinged on how my body affected the clothes I wore.  Never happy.  Never good enough.  I am not sure if I've ever believed my looks are good enough.  The only time I got positive reassurance was from men whose eyes and smile told me so or an occasional confident woman that wasn't more worried than I was.  And when you consider the road of consequences based on decisions we make, its suddenly painfully clear to me why my life went like it did.  I've been working so hard to feel that acceptance with people I couldn't even become friends with them.  Growing up with my brother I have so much missed the way men can be so simple and fun nor could I easily laugh with women without comparing myself.  I can't even express it all here because it goes too deep right now in my sudden revelation but it amazes me how this one train of (negative thinking) has transformed my life in a way I didn't want it to go.  The wrong path which consequently caused me sorrow.  No wonder I shaved my head.  I had to.  I was shedding this way of life.  Ripping it out of me.  Burning the infection out.  I want to just "be" without all these kinds of thoughts torturing me everywhere I go.  And even as I write this I am breaking down in tears and laughing all the same.  Something so painful being washed away as I realize I was just assisted in another step of healing towards self love.  A journey I requested God's help on and here he is showing up as I write.  One moment closer to self love.

I don't know why its taken me so long to realize why I have such a problem with how I look.  I never cared when I was little.  I loved everybody when I was a child.  I never agreed with my mom and even tried to tell her she was beautiful without all the make up she put on.  She wore so much it covered her up.  It is sad that she still lives that way and can't let go and forgive herself.  She can't be free.  And so many of us live this way every day caged in our own agony not only that we've trained ourselves in doing but also carrying on the mistakes of our parents. I think its up to us to try and put love back where it was found to be lost.  Keeping our children from carrying these things into the future.  Creating and promoting a world with more love and more unity one person at a time.  We have to start with ourselves.  And support each other when we fall down.  Love with love.  

And so the quote I read today really resonates with me as I try to see every body's beauty in every way they physically express it.  Stripping away labels and trying to forgive myself.

"Let your mind function freely without abiding anywhere or in anything." - Hui-Neng

Sing

When will I show up behind my voice that sings?

A silence covers in my throat

It hides in a certain reverie

Of dreams not yet seen.

A day in dreams 

Will uncover things

A swiftly moving current

A drawing of sweet breath

A music will come out of me

Of pent up fantasies

An innocence rendered

For a day of remembering. 

In Through the Out Door

I can't remember when I first started hearing George Winston.  My mom loved his music.  She always wanted a grand piano but always had to settle for a turn table and two speakers that looked like they were from a 60's rummage sale.  She would blare his music through out the house.  That ol George has been telling me stories ever since.   Winter and Autumn and even sometimes Summer would take me on wordless journeys.  Lift my soul.  The kinds of stories that don't have pictures or words.  The kind that just lift your soul and lose you in thoughts you can't ever regain.  Kind of like a dream that suddenly leaves you as you open your eyes.

I recently discovered an odd thing about music like this.  As I became very interested in meditation to soothe my soul I found it extremely hard to meditate the "normal" way.  That is sitting there doing nothing to music or worse, silence.  Emptying your mind.   Empty your vessel.... 

Ok.  To be completely honest with you there isn't nothing short of a nuclear bomb that is going to pry my mind from its thoughts.  It has been craftily weaving them through out my cranium for the past 32 years and they aren't letting go.  I can't.  Meditate per se.

Most of my pre-meditated meditations end up fruitless.  I set up the candles.  Get the music going.  Have my comfy clothes on or salt bath ready and make sure no one is bothering me.  And I sit there trying to get comfortable and breathing correctly for the next 45 minutes and next thing I know its over.  The nice thing is I've never become frustrated because my millions of A.D.D. thoughts have kept me busy and distracted the entire time.  So I did what I always do when I hit a wall.  I consulted the guru.  The internet.

There actually is a form of A.D.D. meditation!  At least as prescribed by others with A.D.D.  And wasn't it interesting to me?  Let me tell you just how so!  The woman I read about said she goes into nature and just sits and stares at something for awhile and sorta zones out.  And when that stops being her zone she just simply adjusts her focus to something else.  A leaf.  A flower.  Whatever suits her fancy.  She said lots of other really cool and funny things but I'll let you check it out here.

I thought about that a long time.  Like five minutes.  And I realized I'd already been meditating since I was a young child.  Since my family had introduced me to music like George Winston and my two other favorites Desert Vision and Natural States.   I would sit in my room for hours and just lay there doing nothing but listening and zoning out to this music.  I also would spend hours on end listening to other types of music and drawing.  I wasn't a very athletic child.  

I think I just have my own strange way of meditating that doesn't necessarily require me to still my mind at all but rather just letting it flow instead.  It becomes a river of thoughts and certain ones become accentuated.  But I guess that is what they define meditation as anyway but I never really figured out their version.  I guess I'm in through the out door as usual.  A.D.D. really just stands for always doing (it) different.

Sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain

I took my sweet best friend (dog, Oso) for a walk earlier tonight.  As I approached a busy intersection an older gentleman was making his way across the intersection.  He wasn't slow but seemed to be laboring through his brisk walk.  We approached the corner of the sidewalk at the same time.  He didn't pay any attention to me and abruptly turned his back in order to cross in the other direction.  I didn't say anything to him but turned to go down the other corner.  As I approached the light pole with the crosswalk button I reached out and pushed the button since the man was still standing about five feet from it.  I just kept walking but immediately heard him loudly say, "Thank you."

I turned to see a sweet genuine appreciation on his face and it made my heart glow.  

I don't know why but I was really monotone in response and said, "You're welcome."  I wasn't overly enthusiastic.  I wish I had smiled.  Or at least more.  

The more I reflect on him I think he didn't pay attention to me at first because it was dark out and he probably just wanted to stay safe.  My dog isn't exactly Poochie the pretty pink puppy and I am sure at night he looks a little menacing.  It was really awesome to be a part of something so momentary but heart warming.  A connection with a stranger.  Something so small yet every time I remember his face I will light up again.  It really made my day.

Its also nice to know that I am starting to appreciate such small things around myself.  Before I would notice but I don't think they could impact me as much because I was so bogged down with the hustle and bustle of life.  Not now.  I can really take each moment in.  Thankfully I have a blog to release to.  I'm a little much to handle right now.

With much appreciation and sadness I have to let my dog go.  His name is Oso.  He is Akita and German Shepherd mix.  He's a big dog.  About 75lbs roughly.  I have him in a one bedroom apartment right now and I can't tell you what a wonderful dog he is.  He is so good considering he has no yard to run in.  He is quite a handful for me since the manners I have tried to teach him never stuck.  He is like a wolf though.  He sort of just follows his own heart no matter what.  He has been there for me for all these 4 years I've been evolving.  Some of my darkest nights were spent cuddling up to him in my bed crying myself to sleep.  He and I were there for each other so much.  Both of us just doing the best we can as the river nudges us a long.  And now I can't take him on my next journey.  I have to use my best wisdom and understand that I have to say goodbye so that he can have the best life possible.  Yet again I find myself parting with something I love very much.  Sometimes my life only feels full of loss.  Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break apart.  Sometimes I don't know why I haven't fallen apart yet.  

I know he will be happy where he is going.  If all works out he will have a big backyard and two other dogs to play with.  I know the person watching him will love him as much as I do.  I know Oso will be happy.  Maybe even happier since I have this other place to go for awhile and I'm not sure when I'm coming back.  Or even who I will come back as.  

I watched a movie called Wendy and Lucy with Michelle Williams.  I feel like her and Lucy.  And of course I cried.  

The road of evolution is never supposed to be easy.  And I'd become so comfortable in my comfort zone.  So attached to so many things.  I feel like a giant tree being ripped out by my roots.  I wouldn't change this but it doesn't mean its easy.  It doesn't mean I don't have feelings about it.  It doesn't mean I don't grieve through the process even with knowing that it will all eventually work itself out.  It is all supposed to be this way.  It is easier to stay in the comfort zone.  Easier to not look at the road which I know will take me to my dreams.  I see it.  Sometimes utterly lonely and disparaging.  Sometimes with bumps and pitfalls.  Sometimes with sweet sailing.  Always making me stronger.  Also bringing me closer.  Always, always, always worth it no matter how painful.  At least the pain of going somewhere

is easier than the pain of going nowhere.

I shaved my head

I realized suddenly that I didn't post my first video evar!  How could I forget to blog this on my official blog space?  Apparently I've had a few things on my mind.  

To give a little back ground that You Tube can't and I just didn't at the time on MySpace, this was not an easy thing for me to do.  I've been talking about shaving my head for years.  I was never the type of girl to fuss with her hair.  I've had long straight blonde hair for years and much of it spent its time down to my waist.  It was pretty hair, when I brushed it.  I was always clean though.  Four years my life took a hair pin turn and not long after I whacked all my hair off.  Soon after that, I dyed it black and did a chic cut like Aeon Flux.  I kept it black for roughly a year and then it came to downsize for work quitting time.  I was told on the cheap end it would cost me a good $200 to strip the black out and cut it super pixie short.  I said O.K. and left.  Then my mind went to work on how to avoid that.  Of course the only obvious answer was to shave my head.  Its something I've been wanting to do anyway.  I figured if I didn't do it now I probably never would.  So I gritted my teeth about it for about 5 weeks.  Finally my roots were so long I couldn't stand it anymore and really knew that if nothing else I didn't want to spend $300 here at quitting time.  I'd rather spend that on a camera!  So I bit my lip and did it.

I had no idea the reaction I would have, nor the reaction others would have.  I literally freaked out and immediately threw a hat on to cover up what I had done.  There was no going back now.  Every time I saw myself in the mirror I flinched.  When I got to my corporate job a lot of people were shocked of course.  People I never saw were walking by.  I was trying to hide behind my headphones and workload and the little hat upon my head.  

That didn't stop some.  They courageously tapped me on the shoulder with a grin on their face.  I commend them.  I barely had the courage to face them, although I pretended not to care.  So many people told me they either loved it shaved or commended me for being brave enough.  Only a few mentioned that it would grow out as if I wasn't really aware of it.  I found out I had a harder time dealing with it then anybody else.  I thought I would walk in, shoulders back, head high.... it was so role reversal.  Even now its grown out quite a bit and I still struggle some days.  I realize that this is not only a problem with me but I think in society as well.  So many girls are being raised to believe in the wrong kind of beauty.  I know my soul is beautiful but I never realized how much I relied on my looks until I stripped them all away (in my mind).  This isn't the kind of thing you can get reassurance on except through plain old acceptance.  The simple plain kind where people see who you are and say I want to be her friend.  I don't think that will be easy to find until I am kind hearted enough to give it to myself.  Until I can truthfully look myself in the eye and know what I know about myself.  What a struggle!  This is another kind of luxury downsizing of a spiritual kind.  A healing kind.  In a society driven by vanity and accepted by performance can you let go of your surface beauty and know what you know about yourself?  Can stop relating your status to your car, your house, your clothes or the way you talk?  Even though everybody else said I looked great, for once I wasn't listening.  I can't really hear it right now because I haven't looked into the mirror and said it myself with conviction.  I will never regret doing it though.  I still love that I did it even though its been such a struggle.  But I am sure even if I can't completely over come this one, I will always have a kinder heart for others that have similar feelings or circumstances.  It brought me closer to reality and further from vanity.  And thats worth it.

Sandwich Philosophy and Gratitude

Yesterday I got rid of my home phone line and cable t.v.  We still have the internet obviously but I am unable to continue paying $120+ a month on things I view as a luxury.  Since I quit my job on April 30th, I am now on a fixed income.  I was luckily able to put in 15 hours of over time before I quit which really beefed up my last pay check.  We needed it!  Its funny how this process of downsizing occurs.  It requires a lot of determination to go from $56K to no income in one day flat.  I didn't just quit though.  I planned.  A little.  I just had to get out of there.  It was imperative to my health.  I had started grinding my teeth every minute I was there.  I'd come home a sore mouthed zombie everyday.  I was depleted.

My plan was to at first go to school.  I never wanted to go back to school taking needless classes just so I could take the "real" once necessary for my evolvement in whatever skill I chose.  I am a pretty focused individual and prefer learning about subjects I am so focused on its hard to tear me away from it.  I can spend endless hours researching a subject and then immediately drop it half way through and switch to something else.  I used to think I was just spinning in circles until I realized that its just that not many people work this way.  I tried to start a business with someone and they said they couldn't keep up with me.  I find this process very fulfilling though.  I learn at an odd angle I guess.   A little here and a little over there don't look like much by themselves but then I eventually group the piles together and have something completely tangible.  So school is really a tough concept if I have to be learning about subjects I don't care about.  However I finally came to the idea of film making and that interested me a whole lot.  I've been playing around with story ideas for some time and have always loved writing.  I've had a video camera for years but never the creativity to play with it due to the job.  When I came around to the filmmaking idea I found I had the type of camera without a fire wire.  That is the only way to easily get it online.  

I applied for financial aid as soon as I realized that this would be my ticket to quitting my job.  I needed this anyway for a change of pace and to build some skills.  But as usual, my job got in the way and I quickly learned that I wasn't even eligible for a Pell Grant.  I might be wrong but those about the easiest form of financial aid to apply for and get.  And according to the schools they base their decisions off the Pell Grant acceptance or in my case, denial.  I already knew before I applied but I had to try.  So by the this time I'd already quit.

I am already on tight funds as I continue to try and downsize everything possible.  Getting rid of junk.  Getting rid of services like Comcast.  And a huge one I am struggling with is not being able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want.  But an interesting thing has occurred to me.  I am a person that has been mainly vegetarian for 4-5 years now.  I will eat meat occasionally but not something I am into cooking myself and it absolutely needs to be organic.  I believe being vegetarian helps the earth's environment, it helps me have a healthier body and it also stands against the factory farms a lot of meat comes from.  Its funny how I didn't see that downsizing and buying in bulk also helps.  I have been leaning more towards fruits and veggies than the usual packaged food to conserve money and I realized I am producing so much less trash.  A head of lettuce, a carrot, an onion, avocado, bread, cucumber.   For about $10 I can make many sandwiches instead of going to Subway and only getting two.  Why are we so lazy in America?  We waste so much money trying to be convenient and we never really appreciate that until its taken away.  I sat eating my sandwich tonight and really just felt spontaneous gratitude for it.  I thought about how the next few months aren't going to be easy trying to navigate money and a future.  Not lush and cushy like a stale, stagnant corporate job.  I will be living life but also learning to be more conservative with things like food and toilet paper and how many times I wash the same pair of jeans.  But isn't it funny how now that I've quit I don't need things to be the same anymore.  Unlike working at a corporate job, who would notice or even care if I did wear the same pair of jeans in the same week or even in two consecutive days.

Isn't it interesting that if none of us were working these types of jobs we wouldn't need convenience?  We wouldn't need tupperware and microwaves.  Which I got rid of my microwave about a year or two ago.  I hate those things and they are literally a death box.  Wouldn't we all get back to the core of human "being" if we didn't have day jobs?  How would life be if we were all fulfilling our passions?  Wouldn't we get back to gratitude if things weren't so monopolized and convenient?

My next plan is to see if I could live without a car.  We'll see if I can make it happen.