Just Start Living

My mind swims with all the things I need to do, remember, organize, clean, watch and I'm already worn out. I haven't even begun because it takes so much time just to try and remember what I am supposed to be doing. This world seems to be madness, just pure madness and it never ever, ever seems to stop. How can I make it stop. Its the little carnival carousel that never stops. The magical plastic horses that are supposed to carry us into our greatest dreams are really only leading us around in tiny, sickening little circles. How do I make it stop?

I'll make it stop. I have to get off the ride. Maybe I'll even have to jump kicking and screaming and be tossed down small hill where I will receive stickers in my butt and grass in my hair and possibly even a few skid marks on my arms called grass rash. Who knows, but I have to make it stop. This madness.

So I just start. And start. And everyday I feel like I am starting over. And every day I feel like I'm getting nowhere. But its just my mind trying to commit trickery against me because secretly inside of me are actually two people warring over my future. One of me insists on remaining fat, lazy and useless. The dead weight of this inner enemy is more than half a person can endure, but my inner hero must triumph against all odds. My inner hero half must rush against the odds day after day after day, wave after wave after wave until one day, Inner slob is so fat and weak it has to fall to the side and let the inner hero persevere. Gain way inner slob because inner hero is growing stronger and stronger. Yesterday, inner hero refused to be defeated. Inner hero refused buying junk food and worked out for the first time in months. Two points for inner hero and penalties for inner slob. Thank god inner slob has no desire to do anything. Thank god inner slob is a sucker for laziness because that just makes inner hero's job all the easier.

Through all of my thoughts, triumphs and failures one thing always remains inside of me. Desire. Desire for change, desire for achievement, desire for something better than what I've been doing for so long. And that desire drives my inner hero like no other. Through many days of failure, through onslaught of problems after onslaught of problems, my desire continues to drive me. Some days I feel like the biggest loser but still my desire drives me forward. And here and there I get tiny glimpses of hope. I am going in the right direction. I am making the right choices. I am understanding the concepts of spirituality and how they help everybody by themselves and together and all at the same time. We are so vastly interconnected it blows my mind. I have been through divorces, inner struggle, bankruptcy, losing people I loved, not being able to get rid of people I don't, having people judge me so severely for what I believed in, having people try to mentally win my daughter from me. Having lots of friends, having no friends, having lots of money, having no money. Trying things that people don't praise me for, being praised for things I just do. I've been lied to, cheated on and utterly destroyed by human beings. Have we all? Raising my daughter, dealing with verbal abuse, dealing with A.D.D. The list goes on deep enough to cover the wounds.

I am some how learning that although a grieving process is good, any more than that is just another thing I am letting inner slob use as an excuse to keep me from moving forward. All these obstacles that are being thrown at us from every direction are just obstacles after awhile. At some point, we have to keep moving forward. Life is meant to be free. Life is meant to be lived with the curiousity of a child, mixed with common sense and ultimate freedom to express ourselves and help others. Many have grown so far away from this concept. Dazzled by the latest toys we are kept on the carnival carousel not knowing how to jump off.

For me, I had to soul search myself before I could even think to jump off. I have to find myself again. My inner child. That person that wants freedom so badly but has let the judgement and verbal abuse of her childhood hold her like an invisible cage.

So if you want to jump off. Just start. Start looking at where you are at and then compare that to where you want to go. What do you want? What do you love? What do you need? All of these have to be answered with all the dogma from society stripped away. Remember back to when you were a kid and answer with that person still living deep inside of you. Ask you 10 year old self what you would do if you could stop life now and start doing whatever it is you dream to do. And that's a start. So just start.