My mind is moving around in itself. Its checking on each of the little nests currently borning a new life for me. Its cultivating its new discoveries like small eggs ready to hatch. New ideas waiting to be acted upon. Sitting, warming, checking. And I love how I can draw from the fact that its spring time. I watch the mother duck with her new little babies as she cares for them, feeds them, wards off danger. I am like that right now inside.
Lately I haven't had a ton of money like I've been used to for so many years. I got a decent last check but am having to stretch that one check for longer than I originally planned. So the stretching got a little tighter. At first I was really freaked out. I don't want to be late with my bills. I especially don't want to be late with my rent because my landlord has always been so very cool about the money. Even though it is only two more weeks to go, it is still turning all my bills into becoming late. I went from living easy to watching every dime. I am still not really great at it. Wouldn't it take me some time to remember how to live simple with my money? To remember that I like certain things in my house it doesn't mean I am going to die without them. Today I considered how much do I need paper towels? Aren't they a waste in the environment anyway? If I just skipped buying those, what could I use instead?
We've already stopped buying bottled drinks. Instead we switched to pitchers of lightly sweetened tea, coffee which we never buy out anymore and the big splurg is a water filter. And I miss the convenience of buying drinks and even the fun of it, but its not that bad living without them. Its almost a relief in some strange unexplainable way. Less clutter, less spending, less driving, less addiction. I can't really explain it any better than that. Its just more simple.
Also instead of buying salad in a bag or container we've switched to bulk. I have to actually wash and cut the lettuce myself. Instead of buying bagged carrots, I peel and cut. I feel kind of sad and pathetic that I ever bought salad or carrots pre-washed and cut. I know so many people do it and its no big thing but for some reason its always made me feel lazy. We never did that when I was little which is probably part of it. The reasoning was always why pay more for something you can do yourself at home? So the reason why I DID end up buying that stuff is it was more convenient. When you are working full time and raising a kid sometimes convenience does have to win out. Especially in this society where we are all being pressed for time more and more. Also, if I bought bulk it was more than I wanted to eat and so a lot of it would spoil and get thrown out and wasted anyway. Now that I am not working I don't have that excuse anymore. And I am glad I can go back to what I am more used to. I bought a double head of Romaine lettuce for $2.00 and it lasted us a good week or two. I am not sure exactly because not having a job is making it hard for me to remember things like that. I don't mind.
So I look in my cabinets tonight. I am not the most resourceful cook but its not like I have to make a seven course meal or anything. I don't have much left to eat is the thing. My cabinets and fridge don't look all cluttered up. I always thought a bare cabinet was bad but I look in mine and it just reminds me of the beauty of simplicity. I look at my cabinets and see how much I am embracing this. My heart is excited! I have plenty to eat. I have enough. I don't need to stuff my cabinets and fridge full to feel safe or happy or even full! I don't have to pack my closet or my drawers or any part of my house to feel good or alive or wealthy. I am learning not to need "things". I am learning I don't need to store up. That no matter what, I will make it. I will get by somehow.
Tonight I ate a canned version of a three bean salad with spices and a little onion. I didn't have to eat that. I could've made something else as its not that bad. But I just like the feel of that being it. I'm not stuffing my body with tons of unnecessary food. I never thought it would feel like this. I'd had many times imagined what it would feel like to be simple. I think a lot of people so stressed out with regular society wonder what it is like. To just have an "easy" life. Not easy maybe but simple which is easier than a 'too busy' life.
I hope I can make this work. If I linger my thoughts a little too long in my future I become panicked and scared. For they too need to be simple to get me through this. One day at a time and only for today because the future is so obscure right now. I have no idea what will come for me in August. I have no idea how things will go. I have no idea if I can really pull this off. Its a test. I want to. I am excited to. I need to make this happen. Now that I've got a taste of living this way I'm not sure if I could go back to the way I was before. That thought makes me sick. I am loving this so much.
Learning to live like this is like snuggling up in a soft cozy blanket on a cool day under a tree smelling the earth smelling the trees, smelling the breeze.
It does wonders for my soul. A less full cabinet makes me feel all that. And its so funny to me that here I am 32 wishing for a lifestyle more common with 21 year old college students. Moving around on foot or bike and really getting into life instead of letting it all whiz by in a car. Learning to connect again with others that aren't glued to tvs or half sauced with alcohol or too busy working a corporate job. People that balance life out and connect on a deeper level. Working on things together. Encouraging each other. Inspiring each other. That didn't happen as much in corporate where the mottos are "Its a dog eat dog world" and "Every man for himself".
I never got that college experience. I always wanted it. I started to disconnect in high school and went from A to C. And I guess now I am going to circle back to pick up B. It works for me. I am ready.
