Something strange for me as a child, teenager and adult is I seem to forget to hug. This is ironic to me since both my Reiki teacher and psychic told me I have a lot of green/pink energy in my aura which is from the heart chakra; love.
I believe that as soon as we're born we start adopting all the beliefs and tendencies of our parents or caregivers. We become like the environment we're in. My mom and I had discussed this subject once laughing at why I was never too huggie. She said I was with constant affection as a child. I am the baby of the family and was spoiled rotten, she said. She said she hugged me all the time. At 2 years old she said I was patting my brother on the back telling him not to cry about his lost shoe. So I don't believe I was not given enough affection or taught not to show it. But somewhere a long the lines I failed this common, (extr)ordinary human gesture.
When my sister moved out of the house as a newlywed my mom went nuts. My sister was the exact opposite and was always begging my mom for a hug. I was in the 6th grade and my mom started coming to me all the time for hugs. She said she missed my sister and how come I never wanted to hug her. What was worse was the fact that she pointed out I never really got into the hug. She said I sorta hugged her from afar. I was a distance hugger. And after hearing that, I was a distance hugger with a complex.
I have contemplated that perhaps its my acute sensitivity to everything in my environment including other people's energy. My daughter and I walked by bus stop the other day full of waiting shady characters which I didn't even look at. As we passed each one of them you could feel the different energy change from each person. I told her it was like walking through a dark rainbow.
This makes sense because some people I will hug more willingly than others all depending on their energy output. Its hard to know also because other people do not like to be touched and I am extremely sensitive to this as well. It really bothers me if I do something like that and they weren't inviting it. I also am sensitive to people touching me because my skin is super sensitive. My on going war with clothing as a child should have been a huge indicator to my mom but she just thought I was just being a pain. I used to fight my clothes agonizingly as a child and the seam on the toe of socks was the worst. I can't count how many times this was a problem. So many mornings my mom would be so distraught over something she could never seem to fix. I feel bad my parents had no idea I was just sensitive.
This is also connected to being empathic. Feeling your feelings. When my grandpa died last March(08) though I hardly knew him I cried for everybody else. The grief my father felt gave me a panic attack as I drove home that day from work.
I heard once that to an empathic when a leaf hits the ground their whole world shakes. It was really nice to finally hear a description of how I'd been feeling for so long. Somebody in this world understood just how sensitive I am an I didn't have to feel bad or ashamed anymore. I didn't have to feel like I was being so over dramatic about life.
After so many years of denying myself and trying to pretend to be something I am not, sometimes it is hard to love me. My journey requires self love as everybody's does. But its so hard sometimes to even remember I need affection. I've been so busy protecting myself with armor and swords. Trying to reach out for affection and human touch sometimes makes me feel like an albino in the sun. Exposed and vulnerable. But also real and genuine.
I remember all the stories of premature babies in the hospitals. Sometimes just being held every chance they could is what saved their lives. Human touch is so powerful.
And do I shy from this? Being translucent, is it also too much the other way? Being so sensitive, can a wrong mix of energy be the awkwardness? Did it hurt to hug? Did I put a wall of energy there causing it to be stiff and cold? What is it?
My daughter. Always saving me. She is so affectionate. It makes me feel bad that I am her mother sometimes. How can I forget to hug her? She's amazing. Yet its always her coming to me, reminding me, making me live. And her energy is so pure. Do I feel on the opposite end and unworthy? She is so unconditional. Just a little beautiful soldier princess of love and smiles. I think the hardest part of being a parent is bringing something so full of light into this world and feeling like you're doing nothing but bending and twisting and gnarling something already so perfect. I'm not even allowed to ask why she didn't end up with a mother whose middle name was love, patient and grace because I believe all things happen for a reason. But sometimes you wish you could've been that before life happened all too fast. It suddenly makes sense why men cower in the face of God. They don't fear him because they are afraid for their lives. They fear him because it is so utterly painful to see and feel something so full of love and beauty when they are not. Feeling that deep contrast of what you thought was beauty in your own soul to that of which you know has nothing but the full brilliance of love. The full face of love is so bright and pure it makes our own souls see all the shadows of our own fallible actions as plain as the nose on our faces.
I'm not really sure how to love that about myself. All my life I have struggled to be perfect so I would please others and gain acceptance. And now I have to forget everybody else and stop being perfect and love all that I was, all that I am and all that I want to be. I have to tell my inner child that I did the best I could. But my inner child argues that it wasn't perfect, it isn't perfect and never will be. I guess I need to find a role model because I am feeling a little awkward about being affectionate with me.
I'm trying to remember what kind of affection my parents demonstrated. They'd been fighting since before I was born. My mom said life in general went downhill after we moved from Arizona. The church she was rooted into, gone. Dad working at a brewery and drinking a lot. The classic case of them both working and/or sleeping odd hours. Did I intuitively know just how strained their marriage has always been? If I've always been empathic, did I already feel all the tension and frustration between them since I was little? Did I flinch when they hugged or kissed? With my brother and guy friends always enforcing how stupid romance is when we were kids. Even my best friends parents were never affectionate and all the other parents were either divorced or the father always working. My father was always working or sleeping.
And I contemplate again. Isn't it ironic that I have a lot of love energy but never found good examples for role models? Is that like I have all this love and don't know what to do with it? And I tend to avoid human contact such as hugging. I've actually managed to almost completely isolate myself from it. And I have to figure out how to love myself as I learn to let go of all these beliefs that have been built up in my life time. I have to forgive myself for looking for people that also didn't know how to love others or themselves. And it makes sense why there is so much loss in my past.
This summer marks the official letting go of all things that came before. My family. Old friends. Old jobs. Old beliefs. Even my dog. Old environments. Old habits. I have to face the life I had and let it break my heart to pieces and wash it all way. I have to start fresh. I have to start empty. Only when I have nothing will I then build a new foundation on these discoveries.
Maybe I will use Barney the Dinosaur as a role model. He hugs everybody. Maybe I will put on a big purple suit so it won't hurt.
Or maybe I will choose to resonate with those whose energy is like mine so that when I do hug it feels natural and good like a hug should. And I will learn to love myself faults and all so that when I hug all these beautiful people I won't cringe at how fallible I am. And I have to build a new clan of people in my life that can support all of who I am so that I am safe and strong no matter who I am around. So I can go out and affect others with love rather than being affected by unloving acts.
But a big purple Barney suit wouldn't hurt in the mean time.
