When I was in high school or maybe my mid 20's I remember having a conversation with my then best friend. We'd grown up together since we were four years old and she knew my family well. Since I'd often struggled with staying fit and trim we were in a discussion about such things as this was not a foreign conversation to us. The thing that was different was she said something that sort of struck me dumb. One of those moments where you realize you were so close to something you were blind to it and when did your friends get so smart? Such was the case with this. She said something to the effect of, "Its no wonder you have such a complex about your body since your mom has always been obsessed about her weight since we were little kids. A sort of flashback sequence began to fire off in my mind of all the years my mom had talked about her weight. But now many things have sort of began to click together about how my mom sees the world.
I remember when we were little and she still owned the steel blue Pontiac Bonneville she accidently rolled my head up in with the electric windows. It was hotter than the Mojave desert that day. I felt like an ant under a magnifying glass. We were in the car whining for my mom to please roll down the windows because it was so hot. But she wouldn't because she didn't want the wind to mess up her hair. I can't remember if the car had air conditioning. All I remember is that was the dumbest excuse I'd ever heard to die of heat exhaustion.
I remember always sitting for a good two hours while my mom got ready to go where ever it was we had to go that day. Sometimes it was just to the store. She rarely ever left the house without make up on. And I always choked if I had to walk down the hall after her finale celebration of being ready for the day which consisted of a good couple full body dousings of her favorite perfume. She never bathed in it, but my nose couldn't tell the difference.
Outwardly, I rebelled against all of these acts. Even when my hair was waist long I would relish in the wind blowing it into a zillion directions. I wore as little make up as possible. For awhile I would wear perfume but it didn't take long for that to die away too. The smells that get me going the most couldn't technically be worn on the body this way. I'd rather roll in a garden of moist rich soil than put on perfume.
I remember later in life my sister being hurt because on the rare occasion she would wear make up my mom would tell her she looked like a whore. She would always tell my sister discreetly as though that would make it hurt less.
I remember wearing a certain pair of popular jeans in high school and my mom would say I looked miles wide from the backside. She would tell me I needed to smile more because I looked like a bitch (her words) and so that means everybody thinks I am one.
I remember becoming so obsessed when I lived with her I would fret for hours about how I looked. I'd never walk away content. She and I would fight because I would always ask her how I looked and she would always critique and there was always doubt in my mind. Always worry that the world was based upon how I look. My whole world was hinged on how my body affected the clothes I wore. Never happy. Never good enough. I am not sure if I've ever believed my looks are good enough. The only time I got positive reassurance was from men whose eyes and smile told me so or an occasional confident woman that wasn't more worried than I was. And when you consider the road of consequences based on decisions we make, its suddenly painfully clear to me why my life went like it did. I've been working so hard to feel that acceptance with people I couldn't even become friends with them. Growing up with my brother I have so much missed the way men can be so simple and fun nor could I easily laugh with women without comparing myself. I can't even express it all here because it goes too deep right now in my sudden revelation but it amazes me how this one train of (negative thinking) has transformed my life in a way I didn't want it to go. The wrong path which consequently caused me sorrow. No wonder I shaved my head. I had to. I was shedding this way of life. Ripping it out of me. Burning the infection out. I want to just "be" without all these kinds of thoughts torturing me everywhere I go. And even as I write this I am breaking down in tears and laughing all the same. Something so painful being washed away as I realize I was just assisted in another step of healing towards self love. A journey I requested God's help on and here he is showing up as I write. One moment closer to self love.
I don't know why its taken me so long to realize why I have such a problem with how I look. I never cared when I was little. I loved everybody when I was a child. I never agreed with my mom and even tried to tell her she was beautiful without all the make up she put on. She wore so much it covered her up. It is sad that she still lives that way and can't let go and forgive herself. She can't be free. And so many of us live this way every day caged in our own agony not only that we've trained ourselves in doing but also carrying on the mistakes of our parents. I think its up to us to try and put love back where it was found to be lost. Keeping our children from carrying these things into the future. Creating and promoting a world with more love and more unity one person at a time. We have to start with ourselves. And support each other when we fall down. Love with love.
And so the quote I read today really resonates with me as I try to see every body's beauty in every way they physically express it. Stripping away labels and trying to forgive myself.
"Let your mind function freely without abiding anywhere or in anything." - Hui-Neng
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