I took my sweet best friend (dog, Oso) for a walk earlier tonight. As I approached a busy intersection an older gentleman was making his way across the intersection. He wasn't slow but seemed to be laboring through his brisk walk. We approached the corner of the sidewalk at the same time. He didn't pay any attention to me and abruptly turned his back in order to cross in the other direction. I didn't say anything to him but turned to go down the other corner. As I approached the light pole with the crosswalk button I reached out and pushed the button since the man was still standing about five feet from it. I just kept walking but immediately heard him loudly say, "Thank you."
I turned to see a sweet genuine appreciation on his face and it made my heart glow.
I don't know why but I was really monotone in response and said, "You're welcome." I wasn't overly enthusiastic. I wish I had smiled. Or at least more.
The more I reflect on him I think he didn't pay attention to me at first because it was dark out and he probably just wanted to stay safe. My dog isn't exactly Poochie the pretty pink puppy and I am sure at night he looks a little menacing. It was really awesome to be a part of something so momentary but heart warming. A connection with a stranger. Something so small yet every time I remember his face I will light up again. It really made my day.
Its also nice to know that I am starting to appreciate such small things around myself. Before I would notice but I don't think they could impact me as much because I was so bogged down with the hustle and bustle of life. Not now. I can really take each moment in. Thankfully I have a blog to release to. I'm a little much to handle right now.
With much appreciation and sadness I have to let my dog go. His name is Oso. He is Akita and German Shepherd mix. He's a big dog. About 75lbs roughly. I have him in a one bedroom apartment right now and I can't tell you what a wonderful dog he is. He is so good considering he has no yard to run in. He is quite a handful for me since the manners I have tried to teach him never stuck. He is like a wolf though. He sort of just follows his own heart no matter what. He has been there for me for all these 4 years I've been evolving. Some of my darkest nights were spent cuddling up to him in my bed crying myself to sleep. He and I were there for each other so much. Both of us just doing the best we can as the river nudges us a long. And now I can't take him on my next journey. I have to use my best wisdom and understand that I have to say goodbye so that he can have the best life possible. Yet again I find myself parting with something I love very much. Sometimes my life only feels full of loss. Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take before I completely break apart. Sometimes I don't know why I haven't fallen apart yet.
I know he will be happy where he is going. If all works out he will have a big backyard and two other dogs to play with. I know the person watching him will love him as much as I do. I know Oso will be happy. Maybe even happier since I have this other place to go for awhile and I'm not sure when I'm coming back. Or even who I will come back as.
I watched a movie called Wendy and Lucy with Michelle Williams. I feel like her and Lucy. And of course I cried.
The road of evolution is never supposed to be easy. And I'd become so comfortable in my comfort zone. So attached to so many things. I feel like a giant tree being ripped out by my roots. I wouldn't change this but it doesn't mean its easy. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings about it. It doesn't mean I don't grieve through the process even with knowing that it will all eventually work itself out. It is all supposed to be this way. It is easier to stay in the comfort zone. Easier to not look at the road which I know will take me to my dreams. I see it. Sometimes utterly lonely and disparaging. Sometimes with bumps and pitfalls. Sometimes with sweet sailing. Always making me stronger. Also bringing me closer. Always, always, always worth it no matter how painful. At least the pain of going somewhere
is easier than the pain of going nowhere.
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