Lost in Translation

Like suddenly becoming aware of the many different radio stations all at once.  So much over load all at once my system seems to lock down and zone out.  Things making total sense.  Things not making any sense at all.  Trying to connect the endless tangents together to make some sort of creation that others could relate to.  To draw the picture for them thats inside my head.  Bouncing from all the aspects of life to try and make sense of who I am.  I know who I am over in that stretch of reality and this corner of reality and who I am around that person and who I am by myself.  But really that doesn't strip away all the barriers inside my head.  The things I've collected about life since early childhood.  All those gates that made my mind close off without my even knowing it.  Living on a tiny island convinced it is the world.  Convinced thats all there is.  And then you read something or meet someone or go somewhere and you realize how tiny your mind is.  How much more you could grow.  How much you're missing in life.  That's how I feel today.  I have struggled so hard for so long and thought I was really on to things.  Thought I was really making progress!  Thought I was really coming into my own skin.  And I run into this person.  This information.  This place I'm moving to and towards both physically and spiritually and I'm awe struck.  I'm paralyzed and my lips start babbling with an incoherent mind.  Somehow it all makes sense.  I want to shut down.  Close off.  Could this be?  What is it?  My whole destiny laid out before me and it scares me.  Shakes my core.  I really did jump off a cliff.  I really did leap and this isn't a dream I keep crying I keep crying.  Its not a dream.  And my friend tells me in not so many words it was all meant to be.  I am right on track and I am shaking and going crazy.  But.

I love it.  

Rip me open and lets start again.  This time I am taking the control and making life how I want it to be.  I want to be happy and playful.  I want to knife my anxiety.  Go with the flow and make decisions based on who I am and not what I fear.